Volatile
by thoughts without purpose
Summary: Bits of the ever changing relationship between Lupin and Tonks [during HBP]. A rather volatile relationship in a rather volatile world.
1. This Night Has Opened My Eyes

Remus threw up. Twice.

The brassy taste in his mouth seemed to mock him as he leaned his head back over the toilet to surrender the contents of his stomach to it once more. He fell back and leaned against the wall, dragging his hand across his mouth.

A shaky hand raked through his graying hair and he sighed heavily as he finally felt his insides relax slightly.

"Fuck."

After a few more minutes, he dragged himself to his feet and stumbled towards the sink. The reflected face staring back at him was fairly green and rather gaunt and he noticed that he was in desperate need of a shave. He ran his hands under the faucet and let the cool water splash over his face lightly. He looked up into the mirror again, only to find Tonks' concerned, heart-shaped face peering at him from the doorway.

"You look awful."

He laughed bitterly as she walked towards him and he stiffened as he felt her hands on his shoulders. This wasn't a talk he wanted to have again.

"You don't look so good yourself," he said flatly as he continued to watch her through the glass. He immediately regretted the words as he saw her face, a mixture of shock and pain. But in another second, it was gone and features set in a steeling glare stared back at him.

Her hands left his shoulders as she stepped back to lean against the wall. "You don't have to keep doing this, you know. He's already told you its too dangerous to continue. It's been a lost cause since you began." She was concentrating very hard on the worn bathmat on the floor and not on him.

He turned around and leant against the sink. "It's not your decision, its mine. And when I feel that there isn't anything left to do, I'll stop. Until then, I will try…even if I don't _have _to," he added after another look from her.

Tonks' anger got the better of her and she stepped towards him, her eyes alight with fury at the stubborn man before her. "Physically, you can't keep doing this, Remus! You're going to kill yourself! And for what? For all those nameless faces that would just shy away from you after finding out what you are anyway? Your sacrifice will mean **nothing** to them, but here, **here** it means something. There are people _here_ who care about you. What about them, Remus? What about me?" her voice was barely a whisper as she looked up at him.

Remus turned away towards the door. "What about you, Tonks? We've already had this discussion. We-I can't. You know that." He folded his arms protectively in front of him and looked down at his feet.

"Is that why you're still doing it? So you don't have to deal with me? You'd rather physically hurt yourself than have to be in the same room as me, is that it?" She could hear her voice cracking.

Remus scowled. "Don't be ridiculous." But his eyes still never met hers.

She could feel the hot tears running down her cheeks and the stinging in her eyes at the onset of more of them. "Perhaps Snape was right. The new one does look weak." Her words came out in a choke, but the resentment was unmistakable as she pushed her way passed him through the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

He winced at the noise and felt his stomach clench up once more. But this new sick feeling he knew would not go away, no matter how many more times he vomited that night.

"Fuck."

* * *

Tonks turned the corner and came face to face with Molly.

"Oh! There you are dear. I wanted to ask you, will you be joining us for Christmas? We'd love to have you. I'm sure Rem-"

Tonks cut her off, stiffening at the mention of his name. "No thank you, Molly. I uh…No that's all right. But thank you for the invitation." She moved towards the door but Molly caught her arm.

"Are you all right, dear?" she asked, taking note of Tonks' tear stained cheeks.

Tonks forced a smile. "I'm fine, Molly. Thanks again for dinner. Tell everyone I said bye. I'm just going to slip out the back." She grabbed her coat and walked to the kitchen door, wrenching it open with more force than was probably necessary.

It was early December but there was already a thick blanket of snow on the ground. Tonks turned up the collar of her jacket against the wind and disapparated with a small pop.

Molly watched her from the doorway and only turned back to the kitchen once the distressed Auror was gone. Remus was standing near the stove, watching too.

Molly sighed. How she wanted to shake him, beat him about the head until he realized what a pillock he was being for denying the one thing that could bring the two of them happiness. She settled for, "Are you feeling better, dear?"

Remus nodded. "A little."

Molly closed the door before turning back to look at Remus. She stared at him for a minute, calculating the words she wanted to say next, trying to judge what he'd think of them. She finally spoke. "She doesn't want much, you know. Just you."

Remus looked out the window and shook his head. "She couldn't be happy, not with me."

Molly put her hands on her hips. "And she looks happy now does she?" Her voice hinted at exasperation, any reserve left in her voice that she saved for outside of the Weasley family was starting to clear away.

"That's not the point, Molly. Tonks deserves more than what I have to offer. I'm old, I have no money, and I'm a bloody werewolf! She shouldn't lower her expectations just because we're in the middle of a war."

Molly put a comforting hand on his arm. "When exactly has that excuse ever worked on her? She doesn't care about that." When he didn't say anything, she sighed and placed her hand on his cheek. "I'd give almost anything to have you see yourself the way we see you, Remus Lupin."

She started to walk back towards the living room when she turned to him again. "And anyway, it's not a question of what she does or doesn't deserve. She _wants_ you and that should be reason enough for you to stop being so ridiculous about it."

Remus nodded at the words as she left the room. He'd heard it all before of course, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it. She was right, Snape was right. He was weak.

Remus walked out of the kitchen and into the living room where Molly, Arthur, Bill and Moody were sitting. He raised a hand in greeting, then proceeded to massage his left shoulder with it.

"Thank you for dinner, Molly. I think I'm just going to be on my way now."

They exchanged goodbyes and Molly tried to get him to stay the night, insisting that in his condition, he shouldn't be apparating anywhere. But he didn't want to cause trouble and insisted that he would be better off in his own bed that night.

After he had taken his cloak, he opened the kitchen door and walked out. Remus could just make out Tonks' footprints left in the snow and he noticed just how small they were.

A flicker of something akin to adoration for those tiny footprints, was promptly shoved to the dark recesses of his memory, determined to bury any false hopes.

He had been determined to spend Christmas alone, not wanting to sour anyone's day with his morose and wretching self, but had graciously accepted Molly's offer with the comforting thought that he would see Tonks then. Whether she was angry with him or not, he would still see her, making his Christmas all the more merry (if of course, it was to be merry at all).

His much larger footprints were left next to hers as he too apparated away into the chilly December night.

* * *

A/N: The title of this is from a Smith's song, in case you be wondering. Cheers for reading.


	2. Last Night I Dreamt ThatSomebodyLovedMe

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

* * *

Tonks awoke with a start. She sat up quickly, then soon realized it was the biggest mistake of her life. Well, second biggest as she remembered the last words she'd said to Remus before she left the Burrow. She sank back into her pillow, her head throbbing.

The rest of the evening after that had been a bit of a blur. She remembered disapparating from the Burrow, but in her agitated state, she hadn't gone very far. After a few minutes deliberating on the nearest park bench, she decided to walk down the road to the seedy pub on the corner. Merlin knew exactly what she was looking for, but by the looks of the place, she could have found anything inside.

It was surprisingly warm and rather inviting on the inside. The few patrons of the establishment all looked as though they knew each other and they talked quietly amongst themselves. She walked up to the bar and ordered a pint, something she'd only done once before when she passed her Auror training and they had all insisted on taking her out and getting her good and sloshed.

She perched herself on the edge of one of the barstools and sipped slowly from the tall glass the bartender had placed in front of her. She stared at the amber liquid in her glass and watched the little bubbles travel from the bottom just to disappear into the foam at the top.

Tonks didn't really want to think about Remus at the moment, but her mind, the backstabbing traitor that it was, kept wandering back to thoughts of him. She sighed as she tried to remember the last time she had spoken to him without being angry. Its not that she wanted to be angry with him, quite the contrary in fact, for much to her dismay, she found herself falling even more hopelessly for him. But he had been so stubborn, so adamant at quelling all hopes for a relationship that despite all the signs or hints she swore she saw, he did not seem to share her affections.

As she finished her first pint and ordered another, Tonks couldn't help but repeat his words over and over in her head, as if they were some sort of mantra. _Too old, too poor, too dangerous…_ Was it just his pathetic way of telling her he wasn't interested? Come to think of it, had he ever told her he was or wasn't interested at all? Perhaps all those incidents she had been reliving in her mind were just skewed memories. Maybe they had been altered by her subconscious to fool her into thinking he felt anything more for her than friendship.

She turned around as she heard the door to the pub open, the wind and snow whistling in from behind the newcomer.

"Oh. Merlin's. Bollocks." Tonks whispered under her breath as she watched Remus brush the powdered snow off his cloak and walk towards the bar. She turned away quickly, pulling her coat closer around her. She noticed him walking closer out of the corner of her eye so she did the first thing she could think of.

She almost tripped over her own two feet as she made her way into the toilet, but recovered her balance enough so as not to draw any attention her way as she disappeared behind the door. She clutched the sink compulsively and stared hard at her reflection in the mirror.

Previously she had been furious at herself for having trouble with her Metamorphosing, but had finally resigned to quit trying to change for awhile. But as she stood watching her terribly recognizable reflection, she wanted nothing more than to change into a completely different person. She shut her eyes tightly, her features now scrunched up in concentration.

"Please. Please. Please," she whispered under her breath as she sort of rocked herself back in forth in front of the mirror. She tried to concentrate on grey hair, grey eyes, wrinkled features. It was one of the only sure disguises she could come up with where he might not immediately recognize her, nor draw any attention from anyone else.

"Come on," she said again and opened her eyes. All she had gotten was a half hearted attempt at changing anything. Her mousy brown hair had a few grey strands of hair and one eye was slightly grey, though it rather looked like there was a bit of a film over it. There were no new lines across her face and her attempt at metamorphosing into an old woman had only changed her appearance to the point of where it looked as if someone had tried to spray her hair with bits of grey paint.

Tonks walked over to the door of the toilet and peered through the crack where it did not stand flush against the wall. Remus was sitting at a table in the corner far away, she noted, from her abandoned pint. She also noticed he was now talking with a wiry old man who was waving his arms about dramatically. Remus didn't seem all that enthralled by the man's fantastic tale, but he listened politely all the same. Then he started to talk and Tonks wanted nothing more than to hear what he was saying, so she crept surreptitiously (well, as much as she could manage) back to her seat, making sure not to let her face glance in his direction.

"…and its been like that for weeks. But what can you do, right? I mean, its not like I can tell her. It would just encourage what can't happen anyway." She could hear his voice clearly above the dull noise from the other voices. Her peripheral vision picked up the old man nodding and stroking his chin sagely.

"Yeah, quite right. Bit of a pickle, that one…Yeah," he said, leaning back in his chair when he almost fell out of it. He was quite clearly hammered. "And why exactly can't you be with this bird?" he asked.

A wry smile flickered over Remus' face for a moment before he took another sip of his pint. "Well, I'm too poor for one. I wouldn't have her squandering. No, I couldn't do that to her. I'm older than she is by more years than I care to think about. And I happen to turn into a werewolf every month. Isn't that fun?" he asked and the man nodded again. Clearly the werewolf part had gone straight over his head or he had taken it as a joke in his inebriated state.

"Yeah, that does present a bit of a problem, that does." Remus could hardly contain his bitter amusement as the man seemed to be pondering what Remus had told him.

Tonks was feeling a bit light headed, a combination of what Remus had said and the just finished third pint she had downed. As she was halfway through her fourth, she noticed Remus shift slightly as his gaze was traveling in her direction. She swiveled around on her stool until her back was to him and she held her breath for a moment as if that would help make her less noticeable.

She fumbled quickly in her pocket for her money and set it down on the bar. Quickly, she stood up and strode to the door, being sure to keep her face as hidden as possible from him as she passed his table. As she pushed her way out into the cold, she took a few more steps and then disapparated to her apartment immediately. Even if in her deepest of hearts she may have wanted him to follow her, she couldn't confront him. Not yet, not after she'd said those things to him.

Tonks stumbled through her front door, her mind fogged by alcohol and her completely confusing and infuriating feelings for one Remus Lupin.

As she crawled into bed, she was determined not to let him pervade her dreams, as he had done so often recently, many times the consequence being her sitting up for hours as she pondered what could possibly have gone wrong between them.

But as she lay there, she couldn't help but go over what she'd overheard in the pub. She was quite sure she hadn't dreamt that up from her imagination. He'd been sitting there, plain as day, confessing to that drunk stranger about how he did feel **something** for her but that nothing could happen.

She fell asleep with the comforting thought that perhaps maybe there was the smallest of chances for everything she wanted to come true. The thought that maybe he did feel for her was with her as she slept that night.

As she crawled out of bed to fix herself tea, she noticed the Weasley's owl, Errol was sitting on her windowsill. She untied the small note from his leg and gave him some water.

She read the letter quickly as she poured the hot water over her tea bag.

_Dinner this evening. Burrow. Business. Perhaps the night so bring provisions. _

_Molly._

Despite herself, Tonks smiled. Burrow and business meant Remus. Perhaps she'd have a chance to reconcile things before Christmas after all.

* * *

A/N: SO originally I thought that the first one was just gonna be a one shot, but its evolved slightly. Uh yeah, so Cheers for reading!


	3. Panic

A/N: Sorry I've taken so long to update. I've been busy trying to get everything ready for moving out (woot, college!), plus this chapter was being a pain in the arse to complete. I'm still not completely satisfied with it, but I wanted to move on because I'm having better thoughts for other chapters. Ok yeah. And uh, Remus might be a little ooc in this chapter, but its supposed to be a few days before the full moon, so who knows. Anyway, enough rationalising, and more getting on with the story. Cheers for reading!

Panic

* * *

Remus knocked politely on the front door at the Burrow. A shuffling from inside ensued and he could hear someone right on the other side. 

"Who is it?" It was Bill. Remus thanked Merlin it wasn't Arthur as he would have insisted on asking those ruddy questions. The idea was marginal in principle as it was but seemed all the more ridiculous when actually carried out.

"It's Remus, Bill. Open up! It's bloody freezing out here." Remus heard the locks and spells being undone and suddenly Bill was standing in front of him, grinning.

"'Lo Remus. How're you?" Bill asked as he escorted him in. Remus shrugged as he placed his cloak on the coat rack.

"I've been better. But I've also been worse," he looked around. "Where is everyone?"

Remus sat down in a chair as Bill lounged on the sofa. "Oh, well Mum's in the kitchen getting dinner ready, I think Tonks may be helping her but I haven't seen her, Dad's still out at work and no one else is here yet."

Remus nodded and glanced towards the kitchen door. Bill watched him for a moment. "I don't think she's mad at you anymore," he said after a minute.

"What?" Remus asked as he tore his eyes away from the door.

Bill grinned. "Never mind."

* * *

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to come over for Christmas? I'm sure the children would love to see you." Molly was standing at the stove watching the stew in the pot bubble. 

Tonks lifted her head from the table. "Molly, I-Well, I'll let you know," she said resigned.

"…And Remus will be here as well." Molly hadn't really seemed to notice that Tonks had responded. Tonks rolled her eyes. She got up and put her hands on Molly's shoulders.

"I'll go set the table for you," she said as she gathered up the plates and silverware. Tonks winced as her toe hit the large dining room table. The plates she was carrying started to teeter dangerously.

"Bugger!" she yelled as she tried to balance them. But it was too late, the entire stack was upended. Deft hands caught the falling flatware.

"Thanks," Tonks muttered sheepishly as Bill set the plates on the table. Tonks shifted her gaze to the doorway where Remus stood, his hands shoved in his pockets.

"Dinner'll be ready soon," she said as she made her way back into the kitchen. As the door closed behind her, Bill turned to Remus, his eyebrow raised suggestively. Remus rolled his eyes as the two sat down at the table.

Soon, a few scattered members of the Order were sitting down to one of Molly's homecooked meals. It was the least she could do before they had to settle in to discuss business, something that was never very pleasant lately.

Tonks set a basket of rolls down on the table and spotted an empty chair next to Remus. She slid into it quickly.

"Hi Remus," she said quietly. He looked up at her for he had been staring at his food as if absorbing it through his eyes.

"Hello Nymphadora," he replied, absently buttering a roll. She stiffened.

"You're still angry with me aren't you?" she asked incredulously, her eyes narrowed. Remus hesitated for a moment, taking longer than necessary before setting the roll back on his plate.

"I never was angry with you," he said innocently. He watched her as she digested the information. She nodded briefly.

"Then why did you call me by my first name?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, it slipped," he said, his voice raising slightly. All eyes at the dinner table fell on the two at the corner of the table and they both looked down into their food.

"Sorry," Tonks mumbled, swirling her spoon around in her bowl.

After dinner, they left for the living room where they were to discuss business that evening. Snape arrived shortly after they had eaten, he never came to dinner (to most everyone's secret relief).

The night was long, the issues they talked about were both thoroughly boring and depressing to Tonks who spent the time when she should have been listening, wondering how to get Remus alone to talk to him. For Remus, the clever man that he was, had expertly avoided being alone with her all evening. He had even resorted to talking to Snape to avoid the inevitable conversation with Tonks.

And Tonks was tired of being avoided. But it was all worth it, right? After all, she hadn't imagined all those times, all those certain little incidents that served to point her in the right direction. Had she?

Just as she was about to be completely confuddled, she noticed Remus stand up and stretch. He walked over towards the hallway and Tonks figured he was going to the bathroom. Pushing aside the thought that this was the second time in a week she had stalked him in the toilet, she waited a few minutes and then got up and went in the same direction he had.

* * *

Remus looked into the mirror and sighed. He didn't remember his face looking quite so…old last time he'd looked into that mirror. And that had only been last night. 

"You are an **old** man, Lupin," he said to the reflection. He sighed heavily as he placed the fraying towel back on its rack and closed the door behind him.

He wasn't going to say he was surprised to see her standing there in the hallway, but it was still awkward as he closed the door and came face to face with her once again.

"Oh hi, Nym-uh Tonks," he said wearily.

She shifted uncomfortably where she stood. "I uh, didn't get to say what I meant to say earlier. I'm sorry. You know, about what I said yesterday."

Remus nodded. "Its ok, I-well I probably deserved it, didn't I?"

Tonks sighed. "Its just, I get so frustrated when you do that to yourself. I care a lot about you and…you just don't see it do you?"

Remus ran a hand through his hair. "I don't really want to talk about this again, Tonks," he said. He tried to make it sound as dismissive as he could.

She took a step towards him. "Remus, I-"

He put up his hand. "Please, just…don't."

Tonks stepped closer to him. "Why not? What exactly is keeping us apart?"

He avoided her eyes and focused instead on a mysterious spot on the wall behind her. "There are too many complications. You know that."

She shook her head. "I'm not a child! I can make decisions for myself, you know!" at first, her voice raising and then dropping to a low hiss.

Tonks placed her hands on his shoulders. "I love you. You and any complications that come with the territory. I don't know exactly what it is you think I need protecting from, but I don't need it."

Her face was level with his, forcing him to look into her eyes.

And suddenly he did something that neither of them expected. He grabbed her wrists tightly and slammed her against the wall.

Tonks was so taken aback that she didn't know how to respond. She didn't even seem to realize what was happening until she felt his lips crushing against hers.

It was a bruising kiss, searing and harsh, not at all what Tonks had expected kissing Remus would feel like.

He broke away from her but leant his head in close to her ear.

"This," he hissed in her ear, "Is this what you want to feel?" He still had a fierce grip on her wrists, now pinioned them to either side of her against the wall.

"What?" she breathed, shivering from his hot breath ghosting over her neck.

He was watching her now, a feral look in his eyes. "This Tonks. This isn't love. This is lust."

His grip tightened around her wrists. She started to panic. "Remus, please let go. You're hurting me."

He bent down and kissed her neck, almost carnally. She started to struggle. "I thought complications weren't a problem, Tonks?" He bit at her neck this time, eliciting a quiet yelp from her.

"C'mon baby, I thought this was what you wanted?" he growled, leaning in close to her again, kissing away the tears that had started to fall.

"What is wrong with you, Remus?" Tonks' breathing was shallow. She felt his grip loosen and she shoved him backwards.

"Remus?" She caught his face in her hands. "Remus look at me," she said fiercely.

But as his eyes met hers, any anger or violation she may have felt towards him dissipate. All fire had left him and the pained look of remorse on his face told her that he hadn't meant to hurt her.

"I'm sorry," he said, looking at the floor. "Do you see now? Do you see why I can't do this?" he asked, his tone pleading with her.

"Do you love me or don't you?" she asked suddenly. "Just tell me, Remus. If you say you don't have any sort of feelings for me, I'll leave it alone. I won't bring it up again. But I need an answer. You owe me that much." Now she was the one pleading.

She tried to find something in his eyes to give her some idea, perhaps some hope. But as always, his expression was unreadable. She brushed some of the hair away from his forehead. "I love you," she whispered.

Remus sighed as he brought his hands up to hers and pulled them away from his face. He stared down at their hands together. "I don't love you, Tonks."

He felt her stiffen and he could feel his own chest constricting. It was the best for both of them this way.

"Look me in the eye and say it," she demanded as she felt the onslaught of more tears.

Remus gazed into her big brown eyes and when he realized what he was about to say, he felt like vomiting. "I do not love you, Nymphadora."

She pulled her hands away from his roughly. "Very well. Thank you for being honest with me, Remus. I…I have to go." She started down the hallway when Arthur appeared in the doorway.

"Ah there you two are. Tonks, Molly was wondering if you were spending the night? Oh, and also if you plan to join us for Christmas. We'd love to have you."

Tonks shook her head quickly. "No, I won't be over for Christmas, and I have to go home now so…" She trailed off as she glanced back at Remus briefly before brushing past Arthur and into the other room.

Remus' eyes did not leave her until she was out of sight. Arthur watched him curiously. "Are you all right, Remus? You don't look too well. Perhaps you should get up to bed. Full moon's only a few nights away, after all." Arthur guided him back towards the kitchen. "Come on, I'll get you a nightcap."

Remus could see Tonks talking with Molly about something, her coat already pulled up around her face. He watched Molly hug her and escort her to the front door.

"Here we are." Arthur set the glasses down on the table and pulled out two chairs. He watched Remus warily, but Remus seemed quite subdued as he sank into the chair.

Remus watched the dark amber liquid of his firewhiskey. It seemed to glisten in the lamplight of the large kitchen. He looked up as he heard Arthur clear his throat softly.

Arthur took a sip of his drink slowly. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked as he set the glass down on the table again.

Remus took up his glass and downed it in one gulp. "I panicked," he said matter of factly. He stood up quickly. "Thanks Arthur, but I think I'm going to just…go off to bed now," he said slowly.

Arthur nodded as Remus turned away towards the door. As he climbed the stairs, his legs felt as though they were filled with lead and he still felt characteristically queasy. Once he reached the room he was sleeping in, he collapsed onto the bed, hoping that in the morning, he felt at least a fraction better than he felt at that moment.

* * *


	4. Merlin Knows I'm Miserable Now

A/N: I'm sorry I've been so long in updating. I was moving out for school so I've been busy. But anyhoo, here is the next chapter! Cheers for all the lovely reviews, they brighten my day. And Cheers for reading! Oh yeah, and I'm still using Smith's songs. Woot! (Except I tweaked this one just a bit…hehe).

Merlin Knows I'm Miserable Now

* * *

Tonks sat in the small kitchen of her tiny apartment poking a spoon into a bowl of porridge. She made a face as she watched it stick to the end of the spoon. She shivered and her tiny socked feet came up to rest on her chair, away from the cold floor. 

It was the morning of Christmas Eve and she was trying to justify her reason to shut herself out of scheduled festivities.

The events of the other night with Remus still made her shudder. Not because of what he'd done, but because of how she had reacted. She had realized afterwards that it had been close to the full moon. This only enraged her with herself further. She had not put up a convincing front that she could handle Remus, no matter what, and he had taken notice.

"Of all things to take notice of," she said out loud. "He doesn't pay attention to half the things I do, and when he does…well." She got up and dumped the bowl in the sink.

In the living room, she flopped down on the sofa, watching the fire as if expecting someone. But no one would come. Everyone was at the Burrow enjoying wonderfully Christmasy things without her. She could have gone with her parents to visit her father's family. That was usually torture beyond any explanation and she decided a few years ago never to embark on that particular adventure again.

Of course, she could always show up at the Burrow without an invitation. Molly had said so herself. But Tonks couldn't bear to face Remus so soon after he had told her that he didn't love her.

She had to admit, no matter how strong she claimed to be, nothing could have prepared her for exactly how much pain those six little words would cause her. And that wasn't even the worst of it. Not only had he crushed any hopes she had been building up for herself, but she had promised him not to bring it up again.

Perhaps, he might've finally given in to everything if she had kept at it, but now she couldn't. **She** had been the one to have the final say in how it all turned out and now, nothing could be done about it.

Time passed and she didn't seem to notice the sun starting to dip below the city skyline and the long shadows of the buildings filtering in through the window. She'd barely moved from the sofa all day. Lost in her thoughts and waves of self pity, she hadn't felt like doing anything at all. Eventually, she pulled herself up from the sofa. With great effort, she stretched her arms over her head and stumbled to the kitchen. Her stomach growled at her fiercely but she didn't want to eat. Instead, after inspecting the fridge carefully, she was able to pull out something she hadn't thought was still in there. Vodka.

She reached for a small glass, but reconsidered and grabbed a larger one. Settling herself back down on the sofa, her small tabby, Linus curled himself up next to her feet. Pouring a glass for herself she started to sip it slowly, then rapidly changed her mind and downed it.

* * *

Kingsley wasn't sure exactly how long Tonks had been drinking, but he knew as soon as he stepped inside, that it was time for her to stop. 

"Tonks?" She was stumbling back from the door after letting him in. Her left hand held a glass sloshing alcohol over the floor and her right held the offending bottle.

She stared at him. "Yes?" she asked as she fell back onto the couch, spilling more vodka onto herself and the cushions.

"Are you feeling all right?" Kingsley asked as he attempted to grab the glass out of her hand. Once he had ascertained it, she shrugged and lifted the half empty bottle to her lips.

"Nymphadora, look at me!" he barked. Her eyes, glazed over with inebriation, trailed slowly upwards.

"Mmhm?" she asked.

"Give me that! Now, I don't want to know what's going on since I already have sort of a hunch. Come on, get up." He held out his hand but she refused to take it. She sat, immovable until Kingsley picked her up.

He lifted her easily and carried her to her bedroom. Once he placed her on the bed, she curled up and started to sob. Kingsley sighed. He wasn't very good at this sort of thing. He'd never really known what to say in front of girls and he was definitely at a loss for words in this situation.

"King?" asked a meek voice from the bed. Kingsley looked at her. Tonk's cheeks were still wet with tears and her eyes were red and puffy.

"Yeah, Tonks?" he answered tentatively.

"If you were in love with someone, you wouldn't fight the feeling right? You'd just let it happen?" She sat up and leaned her back up against the headboard to get a better look at him.

Kingsley hesitated. He had the feeling he knew exactly what this was about, but he didn't have any clue as to how to proceed.

"Oh Tonks, I um-I don't know if you really want to talk ab-"

"Just answer the question, King!" she said loudly.

He sighed. "Look, Tonks, I know that Lupin might be a little hard on himself, but I'm sure he'll come 'round."

Tonks snorted derisively. "Yeah right. The day he professes his love to me is the same day I start accepting my first name as Nymphadora. I'm not done!" she said sharply as Kingsley opened his mouth to speak again. "Look, I know Remus is never going to admit it. I've come to terms with that. But it…hurts." The last word came out in a whisper as she slumped back down into the pillows. Her bottom lip started to tremble and tears filled her eyes again, though she tried to make them go away.

Kingsley shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Is there um, anything I can do for you, Tonks?" he asked, taking pity on her small form huddled amongst the bed linens. But she was already asleep. Her breathing had become steady and deep, though every once in awhile she gave a shudder. He didn't want to leave her there by herself. He didn't want her to have to wake up in the morning, having to face her hangover alone.

Thinking about all the lines he had already crossed that evening, what was one more? He pulled the squashy armchair up next to her bed and sat down. As he closed his eyes, he envisioned his wife waving a very large broom at him as she kicked him out of the house for abandoning the family on Christmas Eve. He thought about how difficult it would be to explain why Santa had forgotten some of the presents in the closet because he hadn't gotten home in time to place them. But Kingsley found he couldn't leave his co-worker, his fellow fighter, his friend, to face her sadness alone. After all, no one deserves to be alone on Christmas.

* * *

Remus had to thank Harry. Well, for many reasons, he had to thank him. But on this particular night, he had to thank the boy for keeping his mind on something else besides the very absent Auror. 

But as Remus climbed the stairs to his room after a very nice Christmas Eve eggnog, he was once again painfully reminded of one Nymphadora Tonks.

"…hasn't been 'round all day. I wonder if she's coming tomorrow?" Ginny's voice floated down the stairwell, stopping Remus at the door to his room.

"Perhaps she's on a job. Lupin's just finished with things for the Order, maybe she's doing something as well." He heard Harry say.

"Yeah, but its Christmas!" Clearly Ron.

"I don't think Death Eaters take holidays, mate."

"Yeah, but no one deserves to be alone at Christmas."

Remus felt a stab of guilt. After all, how could he not pretend that he was the one who had driven her away? Every night since then, he had lay awake thinking what would have happened if he hadn't chosen to say those words. He thought about where he would be now if he truly told her how he felt. But he couldn't, shouldn't subject her to the tragedy that was his life. In his mind, the pain of rejecting her now would be far less than the guilt he would feel tying her down to such a volatile…creature, such as himself.

He lay down in bed and stared up at the ceiling. Ever since he'd watched her walk away, so totally defeated, a great feeling of emptiness had filled him up. Usually during the day, it was easy for him to push the awful feeling aside, but as he lay there in the dark, it was so much easier to long for human companionship. To crave a warm body next to his. Regret would forever be his bed fellow.

Turning over, he shut his eyes and tried to think of anyone but Tonks. He found it near impossible. Perhaps he would go and check on her tomorrow. After all, tomorrow was Christmas.

"And no one deserves to be alone at Christmas," he said out loud, softly to himself.

* * *

A/N: yeesh, could I have used that Christmas line anymore? i guess that's the theme this chapter. :) Cheers! oh and hopefully the next one will be longer.  



	5. I Started Something I Couldn't Finish

I Started Something I Couldn't Finish

* * *

Remus woke with a start. As he lay there, it took him a moment to figure out where he was. After another moment, he also remembered that it was Christmas morning. 

He inwardly groaned. He was of course grateful to the Weasleys for letting him spend the holidays with them, but to try and put on a cheery face 24/7 was tiring.

Remus stumbled out of bed and was nearly run over on his way to the bathroom. Ginny was running around with a gold chain as Ron chased after her, a furious look on his face. Harry followed behind them, smirking amusedly.

"Happy Christmas!" he said cheerily as he passed. Remus exchanged the greeting and continued towards the bathroom.

* * *

For the second time that month, Tonks woke up feeling like shit. Her head felt like it was going to explode and the fuzzy, cottony sensation in her mouth didn't do her sensitive gag reflex any good at all. She sat up quickly and groaned as the sunlight hit her. A noise beside the bed made her jump. She turned and almost fell out of bed at the sight of Kingsley Shacklebolt sleeping in _her_ armchair with his feet up on _her_ bed. 

"King!" she yelled loudly, painfully reminding herself of her splitting headache. Kingsley gave a snort and opened his eyes.

"What? Oh my neck!" he moaned as he rubbed his sore neck.

Tonks was wide eyed and had pulled the sheets way up past her neck as she remembered she was still in her pajamas. "What are you doing in my bedroom! Come to think of it, what are you doing in my apartment in the first place?"

Kingsley rolled his eyes at her sudden adoption of dignity. "I-"

"Wait a second!" Tonks interrupted, eliciting another eye roll from Kingsley. "Isn't it Christmas? Why aren't you at home? With your family!" A panicked look spread across her face. "King, we uh-we didn't umm…you know?" she asked, her face turning bright red as she looked down.

"What? No! Tonks, if you'd let me finish?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. She seemed to calm a bit and nodded.

"I came by because I wanted to pick up those maps you had. Well I knocked on the door and there was no answer. I assumed you were probably at the Weasley's, so I turned to leave. That's when I heard a noise inside, and I thought you might be in trouble. So I apparated inside." He paused. There was nothing more awkward then telling someone you'd seen them intoxicated the night before.

"And I was drunk wasn't I?" Tonks asked, running a hand through her hair. Kingsley nodded. "So what are you still doing here? Not that I mind!" she added hastily, "but, don't you have a family to bring Christmas to?"

Kingsley shrugged. "I wasn't about to abandon you to wake up Christmas morning with the worst hangover you've ever had."

Tonks folded her arms. "And how do you know its my worst? For all you know, I could be a…a fierce party animal. Who goes out and gets uh…utterly plastered every weekend!"

Kingsley snorted. "Right. Ok. Can I-can I get you anything?" he asked, before they could broach the subject they were sure to touch upon.

"Tea?" Tonks answered meekly, now playing with the edge of her sheets. "King?" she asked as he started walking towards the kitchen.

He turned. "Yeah, Tonks?"

She shook her head so he moved into the kitchen to make tea. Tonks watched him go before pulling her legs up to her chest as she leant against the headboard. Even with all the alcohol she had consumed the day before, she did remember more than she cared to. She remembered that awful alone feeling that had driven her to drown her sorrows in the first place.

Kingsley returned a moment later with two cups. He handed one to Tonks and sat back in the chair. Tonks watched the tea swirl around in her mug for a moment before looking up again.

"Um, King? Does it always hurt like this?"

He sighed, leaning forward in his chair and placing a comforting hand on her knee. "He'll come around, Tonks. Just give him some time."

She cracked a small smile. "Thanks, Kingsley. I was talking about my head. But…thanks." She glanced at the clock. "You should go; your wife's probably called out a search party for you by now."

"Are you going to be all right?"

Tonks nodded. "I'm fine. Just need to rest up a bit. Go on."

Kingsley stood up. "If you need anything…" She nodded again and in another minute, he'd apparated away.

Tonks sighed and sipped her tea slowly.

* * *

Lunch had long since passed, but Remus was still sitting at the table. He was alone. He could hear Molly in the kitchen and people in the front room, but he made no move to join them. 

Over and over, he'd been trying to think of something to say to Tonks if he stopped by. He knew it would be awkward. Things had changed. Their friendship was, to say the least, altered and he found he couldn't just show up on her doorstep for a cup of tea anymore. The way he used to.

Remus felt that perhaps he was pegging too much on the fact that he had hurt her. Sure, she'd been hurt after he'd rejected her, but one couldn't say that it was the first time he'd done so. And she had recovered, well for the most part. Perhaps if he did just show up as if nothing had happened, perhaps it would be all right.

He stood up from the table and wandered into the front room. Bill was sitting on the couch with Fleur. Ron and Harry were looking at a book and Ginny was playing with Arnold, the Pygmy Puff. Remus cleared his throat and everyone looked up. "Well," he said as he took his cloak from the rack, "I'm going out for a bit."

"Where are you going? I thought you were going to help me beat these two at chess?" Ginny asked, motioning at Ron and Harry.

Remus smiled. "I'll be back soon, we'll beat them then. I'm just going out."

"Good luck," Bill said slyly, raising that blasted eyebrow again.

Remus rolled his eyes as he shrugged the cloak over him. He sighed as he pulled the door open and their voices grew softer behind him.

"What did you mean by that, Bill?"

"Yes Bill, enlighten us!"

"Where's he going?"

Bill's laughter rang clear. "I don't know, just thought it best to wish him luck," he said, his voice filled with amusement.

As Remus stepped through the snow and quickly apparated away and ended up at the young Auror's doorstep, a thought came to him.

"Shit."

* * *

Tonks thought she heard something outside. It sounded as though someone had apparated outside. Then she thought she heard a voice. She suddenly remembered that Kingsley had left the maps he had come to collect. 

She picked up the bits of parchment and hurried to the door, her bathrobe wrapped tightly around her. Aurors did not have the wealthiest of professions and she had to cut down her heating bill. Until her tea froze in her cup, she figured she could cope.

Without even bothering to think that there might be a Death Eater on the other side of her door, she plastered a smile on her face and swung the door open.

"Hey King! Forget something?" she asked pleasantly. She was determined to show him that she was perfectly fine, for he had been worried about her when he left.

"Uh…hi."

'Fuck!' Tonks screamed mentally at the sight of Remus at the door. She was so surprised that as she took a step backward, she tripped over the rug and fell flat on her back, the maps fluttering gracefully to the floor next to her.

* * *

In all the time he had spent thinking and obsessing over her, he had not thought to get her a Christmas present. And here he was, on her doorstep on Christmas. Giftless. Well, there was no point in turning back now. He had made it this far. And he was afraid that if he left now, he might not have found the resolve in himself to come back again. 

Before Remus really had time to think about what he wanted to say upon her opening the door, she had done it.

"Uh…hi," he said lamely. Before seeing him, she had mentioned something about King. Did she mean Kingsley? Shacklbolt?

In that brief second, a million images flew through Remus' brain. Tonks and Kingsley. Together? Forget something? At the same time, Remus experienced an onslaught of emotions, ranging from confusion to anger and to his great regret, jealousy. Regret because he didn't want to feel jealous. If he felt jealous, then it was surely a sign that he had made a mistake somewhere down the line when he told her he had no feelings for her. And he wasn't ready to admit that to himself just yet.

Remus was yanked from his thoughts at the sound of a loud thump. He looked down and there was Tonks, lying on the floor rubbing her head.

"Tonks! Are you all right?" he asked quickly, rushing inside to help.

"As if my head didn't already hurt," she grumbled softly, rubbing the back of her head. Her hangover was still very apparent for her.

Remus knelt down beside her. "Can I uh, get you something for your head?" he asked.

She blushed slightly as she felt his hand on her back, supporting her. "No that's ok. I'm fine. Um…come in?" she asked weakly.

He smiled and helped her over to the couch. Once she sat down, he found himself in the awkward position of choosing to sit next to her on the couch or in the armchair. Being the coward that he was, he took the chair.

Tonks shifted slightly so that her feet were curled up underneath her. "So, have you had a good Christmas?" It was a lame opening question, she knew this. But considering her options, this seemed the most favorable. She doubted Remus would like it too much if she started out the conversation demanding to know why he had broken her heart.

Remus seemed to relax a little at the question. "Oh fine. But I thought I'd come check on you, seeing as you didn't want to come and just make sure you-"

"Hadn't done anything drastic?" she finished for him, feeling and sounding a little bitter. "Would you like some tea?" she asked quickly, hoping to distract him.

"That would be nice."

Tonks moved to get up but Remus shot out of his chair. "I'll do it. You just sit there and rest."

Tonks clambered off the couch. "I'm not an invalid, Remus. I only bumped my head. Besides, you're my guest."

"But-"

"How about we both make our own tea?" she said finally, not really feeling like arguing with him about it. She'd been arguing with him quite a lot recently and her losing streak wasn't improving.

They entered the small kitchen and Tonks went to fill the kettle on the stove. Remus went to the cupboard for the mugs and was quite surprised with how familiar he had become with her kitchen. Had he visited that often? He shoved the thought to the back of his mind and set the mugs down on the counter.

"What kind of tea do you want? I have peach, black, um, I think this one's raspberry or something," Tonks said as she set several tea bags down next to the cups.

"Black's fine," Remus said, reaching for the tea bag. They stood there at the counter, silently filling their own mug with boiling water. Before thinking about it, Tonks handed Remus the sugar spoon after having used it, remembering that he took it in his tea. How often had they done this together? If it hadn't been for the awkward silence rapidly filling the room, this would have felt completely normal.

However the silence stayed heavy until they were both sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for their tea to cool.

Tonks stood up for a moment and left the room. She returned a moment later with a small box. "This is for you!" she said cheerfully, all traces of awkwardness she had been determined to leave behind in the other room. She slid the box towards him with a small smile on her face. "Sorry I didn't have time to wrap it."

Remus picked up the box. "That's all right. I'm sorry, I didn't get you anything," he said apologetically. He examined the box and furrowed his brow.

"It's a Daydream Charm. From Fred and George's shop. I didn't know what kind of entertainment, oh badly phrased, um activities you had to keep yourself busy while you were off in the uh land of the…werewolves. So I got this to keep you um, amused? Ok this is coming out all wrong, it's basically a gag gift," she ended lamely, hiding her face from him, along with her blushing cheeks.

Remus smiled. "Well, it's very thoughtful, however I don't…hmm, how should I put this? I don't swing that way, Tonks."

She looked up at him, panicked. "What! You mean all this time, I thought-"

Remus cleared his throat and read aloud, "Ginny, hope classes won't be too boring now, eh? Happy Christmas from Tonks."

"Oh bugger, that's the wrong one. Sorry!" Tonks pulled the box from Remus and returned a moment later with a new box, checking to make sure that it was the box with the busty woman on it instead of the muscular man.

"Well, um…Thank you, Tonks. That's very thoughtful," he said, his eyes slightly twinkling in amusement.

Tonks was biting a fingernail and tapping the table with one hand. "You said that already," she said nervously.

"Well, I mean it. Thank you. Although I must tell you, I'm not doing it anymore," he said, taking a sip of his tea.

Tonks' eyes lit up. "Really? You're not doing it anymore? Oh, I'm so glad!"

Remus nodded before looking back down at his tea.

"So what will you be doing now?" Tonks asked.

Remus shrugged. "I don't know yet. I'm going to speak to Dumbledore in a few weeks. After one last moon."

"I though you just said you weren't going to do it anymore?" she asked, her eyes narrowing slightly.

"Well, I suppose I should have said after I go through one more transformation. One last ditch effort, I guess."

"But Remus-"

"I already know how you feel about it, Tonks. But I can't turn my back on something that has to be done," he said quietly.

Tonks stood up. She couldn't exactly pinpoint why this news upset her so much. It's not as if he hadn't been at it for months. She placed her empty cup in the sink and stood there, her back to Remus, for she felt that if she were to look at him…

"And what happens if you don't come back after this last time? What if after that 'something' is done, you die?" She turned around now, her fervor slightly renewed. "Don't expect me to put my heart out there for you again. I won't do it. It hurts too much to have to worry about you. Come to think of it, it's exhausting. And I'm tired of it!" She could feel herself shaking now so she gripped the counter edge and leaned herself against it.

Remus watched her carefully. She looked lost and fragile. He had tried so hard not to break her, but as in most things, he had failed. He wanted to take her in his arms and assure her that it would all be ok, no matter how cheesy it sounded. But he knew that he could not say it, for it would be a lie. He had no way of knowing whether this one last time would bring him back alive or leave him there for dead and that's why he remained so adamantly unattached. But no matter how many times he told her not to, she worried. She feared for his well being, for his life, his love. Why? It had remained a great mystery to him and instead of finding out the reasons, he had merely rejected her affections out of hand.

Remus stood up and walked over to her. "Tonks, please, I've told you before you needn't worry about me." He couldn't really think of much else to say and this statement only seemed to infuriate her further.

"And you think I'm going to listen to you? I love you! But it can't be helped. I worry about you. But it can't be helped. Whether you tell me to do these things or not, it happens and I can't just shut it off as apparently you can!" She was yelling at him now even though he was inches away from her.

And without thinking about it, she kissed him. Tonks wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his. It was urgent and needy and all too quickly over. She watched him. His eyes had closed for a brief moment and he had a slightly stunned expression. Before she could realize what was happening, the space between them had closed again and he was kissing her back.

It felt electrifying and it seemed as though all their infatuation, anger and obsession with each other exploded in shockwaves that neither of them could explain.

Remus pulled back and his expression resembled a deer caught in the headlights. He backed away from her. "I'm sorry. I-We-I shouldn't have done that." He strode to the table and picked up his box.

Tonks stared at him. "Wait!" He continued towards the kitchen door when Tonks grabbed his arm. "Remus, wait. You can't just kiss me like that and leave it at that."

He looked down at the floor, refusing to meet her eyes. "Was it just a last chance for you to feel contact with a woman before going down to…wherever it is you go?" she asked bitterly.

"Tonks, you know it's not like that. Its-"

"You can't start something without finishing it, Remus. You can't just leave without saying goodbye…" her voice became very faint.

"Goodbye, Tonks. I'll see you…soon," he said, sounding very strained.

Tonks' betraying eyes filled with tears again. "Fine, go. But passion like that doesn't just materialize from thin air. There has to be something there before that." She let go of his arm reluctantly. Remus took one last look at her and sighed. He put his hand up to stroke the side of her cheek but she moved away. Without another word, he left.

Tonks felt foolish as she ran to the window and watched him apparate away. She turned around and noticed his mug sitting on the table. In a fit of fury, she picked it up and threw it at the wall. It shattered into tiny pieces all over the floor. But she didn't care. She walked out of the kitchen, telling herself she'd clean it up tomorrow.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading. Thanks for reviewing. All that jazz. Thoughts. 


	6. This Charming Man

This Charming Man

* * *

Tonks shivered. It was February and slightly warmer than January or December, but not by much. 

She stood outside the Three Broomsticks, in the shadow near the door. Patrolling in winter was one of her least favorite pastimes. It was especially horrid when she had other things on her mind. Tonks had just been to see Dumbledore. Well, she had attempted. After she had seen the front cover of the evening edition Daily Prophet, she had been in a panic. On her next break, she had rushed up to Hogwarts to quash the awful feeling in her that said it might have been Remus who had been attacked by Greyback. It made her feel sick.

But her efforts had come up fruitless. Dumbledore had not been at the castle, and she was no closer to figuring out Remus' current condition. Come to think of it, she had not heard from him since December. 'Nearly a month and a half ago now,' she thought to herself as she wrapped her robe closer around her.

Tonks had not seen or heard anything of Remus since Christmas. And yes, it had bothered her. And yes, she knew that he was probably avoiding her. And yes, another part of her was terrified that he had been hurt or…killed.

Tonks shoved the thought to the back of her mind and tried to focus on her job. She turned around sharply when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder.

It was Dawlish. He leaned his head close to hers. "Shift's up. You look a bit anxious. Go on, take a break."

She smiled appreciatively at him and wordlessly moved towards the entrance to the pub. As she stepped inside, she sighed, relishing in the fact she could feel all her extremities now that they were thawing.

"Tonks!"

A young man with soft blonde hair and handsome features came bounding up to her. He peered at her for a minute. "You look freezing. Come here and sit down. I've got us a table near the fire," he said pleasantly, leading her closer to the roaring fire. He caught her robe and placed it on the back of her chair as she sat down. Tonks smiled.

"Thanks, Michael."

He shook his head. "No problem. Would you like something to drink? You look like you could use something hot."

"Um, how about hot chocolate?" she asked. Michael sped off towards the bar.

Tonks sighed again as she turned to watch the large fire. Michael returned a moment later with two large steaming mugs. He set one down in front of her before sitting down across from her.

"So, how was your shift? Cold, I take it?"

Tonks nodded. "Yeah, but at least I get to stand over here near the high street. You have to go off down by the Shrieking Shack. I bet it gets a bit lonely out there."

He shrugged. "Its all part of the job though isn't it? Anyway, I get to spend my break in here with you and hot chocolate, things could be worse." He smiled as he lifted his mug in appreciation.

Tonks laughed. "That's very true."

Michael watched her for a moment. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and calm. "And how are you otherwise? I mean, outside of work. You've just seemed a bit…off-color lately. Is everything all right?"

Tonks looked down into her mug. "Hey, there are marshmallows in here!" she said a little overenthusiastically.

"Well, I know how you like them," he said, casually, throwing his head back in a mock gesture of superiority. He wasn't going to pretend he hadn't noticed the sudden change in subject, but he felt it was not the appropriate time to say anything.

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh do you? And what else do you know about me?" she asked playfully, feeling for the first time in a long time…playful.

Michael shook his head, a silly grin on his face. "Oh no, a gentleman never tells his secrets," he said, suddenly looking very serious.

Tonks snorted. "Right. But really, I'm fine. No need to worry about me," she said, a small smile spreading.

"Well good. I never like to see a coworker unhappy. It's also not good for the complexion," he said, gesturing to his face.

She laughed softly. "And what about you? Should I be worried? But no, I suppose not. Don't you lead a spectacularly perfect life?" she asked, a glint in her eye.

"Ah!" Michael raised his finger. "Or so I thought. Actually, I just found out my girlfriend was sleeping with someone else. Not too important really, I guess. I mean, I still have my health."

"Michael! That's horrible! I'm so sorry-if I had known!"

He shook his head. "No matter, I refuse to let it ruin my perfect skin."

Tonks took another sip of her hot chocolate. "What happened? If you don't mind me asking."

Michael leaned back in his chair. "Well, she told me that living with an Auror was kind of like living with an invisible man. She said there was evidence of me around the house, but no me. So she turned to someone else for comfort. The postman actually. Bit cliché if you ask me, but then, no one did."

"She actually said that? Well 'good riddance' I say. You're probably better off without her."

"I know I am." He smiled. Tonks marveled at how he seemed to brush it off so casually.

"I'm sure your love life is a bit happier than mine, though, a pretty girl like you," he said, cocking his head and looking at her sideways.

Tonks set her mug down on the table. "Well now that you mention it, It's not as interesting as you might think."

Micheal looked shocked. "What! You mean to tell me there aren't men queuing out the door for you? What is this world coming to?" He stood up quickly and walked over to the man sitting closest to them. Micheal tapped him on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, sir. I hate to interrupt your…um…whatever that is," he said, glancing at the man's drink, "but I need to know that you think this woman is very attractive. Do you concur?"

As the man turned around, Tonks hid her red cheeks behind her hands and suppressed a girlish giggle. "Michael, stop it!"

The man looked at Tonks and smiled. "Very pretty. You're very lucky."

At that, Michael's face glowed red and he sat back in his chair, a little subdued. "Well, there you are. The man in the street says you're very pretty. Now, tell me exactly who is crazy enough to reject you."

Tonks looked at him a minute. "There is someone. Someone I thought I knew. He…well, I thought he had feelings for me as well. But I guess I was wrong. He was busy with…other things and I suppose I just sort of got shoved to the back burner and-"

"And you're not sure if he'll ever bring you back out to reheat?"

Tonks laughed quietly at his strange analogie. "Yeah, I suppose you could put it that way. Anyway, at this rate, I'm thinking that's never going to happen. He's the type that operates under the rule 'When In Doubt, Throw It Out'. And if he does feel anything for me, it'd certainly be clouded by doubt."

Michael nodded. "Well give it some time. I'm sure that whoever he is, he'll realize the error of his ways. He'll see that remarkable girl that I see, sitting here. Surely, no one is that mental to keep thinking the way he is." He reached out to place a comforting hand on her arm.

Tonks looked up at him and smiled. "Thanks for listening to me." She looked away thoughtfully. "You know, the last time I saw him, I kissed him."

"That's a good way to reheat things up," he said, winking.

"It backfired. Perhaps all my kisses drive men away."

"I highly doubt that. And stop feeling sorry for yourself, its pathetic. Try it again, take some initiative. Perhaps that's what he's waiting for."

"I have the feeling what he's waiting for is hell to freeze over. And I was not feeling sorry for myself," she said as she tried to shoot him a glaring look.

"Sure, love. Whatever you say." He leaned back in his chair and took another sip of his hot chocolate.

Tonks watched him carefully. Michael had always been a good listener. She had known him since they were 12 at Hogwarts. He had stolen her bookbag. She had gotten so mad that she completely forgot about her wand as she slammed her fist into his jaw. They had been good friends ever since.

She had watched as he went from skinny boy to carefree teenager to this charming man sitting in front of her now. Tonks had never felt any romantic attraction between the two of them save once. But it was short lived after a certain awkward incident during Auror training. But as she watched him lean back and reach to grab the last marshmallow from the bottom of his mug, she couldn't help her craving for human contact.

Remus had broken her. For two months, she'd wandered around feeling isolated and lonely. She let work consume her in hopes that it would push away the empty feeling that followed her around like a shadow. Tonks hated him for that. In pushing her away, he had driven her to do the same and she hated it.

Michael was looking back at her curiously. She must have been staring.

"You all right?" he asked, setting his empty mug down.

Tonks smiled. "Perfect." She leaned her head forward and gently pressed her lips to his. He stiffened. She pulled back.

"I-I'm sorry," she stammered. "I didn't mean to, I mean, I did, but I didn't think about-Michael I'm really sorry." She put her head down on the table. She felt very confused. Kissing Michael was like revenge. Or a placeholder. Or both. He became both a substitute for Remus and a way for her to get back at him. And now she just felt awful.

"Tonks, it's all right. It happens. I love you. I do. You're one of my very best friends. But there's no way I can let you settle for anything less than what you truly want. It sounds corny, I know, but it's true." He placed an arm around her. She seemed to fit perfectly in she space under his protective arm and she felt truly safe for the first time in many months.

"See?" he whispered soothingly, "You were meant to fit right there. I couldn't have my wing man trying to shag me now, could I?"

Tonks giggled as she remembered when they'd both gone to see that muggle movie and agreed to be each others' wing man ever since. She snuggled closer to him. It felt so good to be held.

"By the way, anyone who turns down such kissable lips as yours really does have some sort of mental condition. You know, just…thought I'd put that out there." He could feel her smile.

Michael sighed as he checked his watch. "Well, as much as I hate to say this, we've got to go relieve those two for our next shift. You ready?"

Tonks sat up slightly and nodded. They stood up and she hugged him tightly. When she pulled away, she opened her mouth to speak but he shook his head.

"No words. Now remember, no self pity, its bad for the complexion."

Tonks laughed. "I thought worrying was bad for your complexion?"

"They both are," he said after a minute. "Come on, you've got Shack duty now."

* * *

Remus turned his collar up against the wind. He wondered to himself why February in Hogsmeade seemed colder than February near his flat. He had been back for almost two weeks. 

As he found himself closer to the Three Broomsticks, his stomach tightened in anticipation. He had come to a realization. Again. But this time, he was determined to do the right thing.

Coming up on the window of the pub, he peered inside as his hand reached for the door. He stopped mid reach when he saw Tonks inside. He stopped when he saw her kissing someone else. All feeling seemed to leave him and if there hadn't been a wall right there, he might have fallen over.

He looked away. Had she given up on him? Was he too late now in telling her how he really felt? He seemed to have missed his chance and it left him numb. Numb to the cold, numb to her, numb to that man, numb to the other man now speaking to him.

"Oi, you there! What're you doing?"

Remus turned around and saw an angry looking man shining his wand in his face. He turned back to look inside. The man now had his arm around her. Jealousy seemed to shoot through Remus like an electric shock. "I was uh…just going in," he said.

"Well go on then, don't be dawdling around outside. Otherwise people like me'll think your up to something."

The man seemed to disappear into the shadows and Remus turned to walk down the street. Away from the Three Broomsticks, away from her, away from her charming man. He walked until he reached the Shrieking Shack. He felt awful as he climbed its front steps and as he heaved open the ancient door. He collapsed onto a dusty couch and watched the dust fly up around him.

'Its better this way,' he thought to himself, 'You said so yourself.'

A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews last time. And Rainydays: Who said the hospital scene's even going to happen? Hehe, just kidding…or am I? Hmmm. Anyways, I kinda like this chapter. I like that Tonks is actually interacting with someone other than Remus in this chapter. Ok, and if its not clear, Michael is the first name (well, that's my first name for him) of Savage, one of the other Aurors stationed in Hogsmeade. I also used the word "well" a lot in this chapter. Hmm, odd. I hope you enjoyed it! Cheers for reading! PS: yes, earlier Remus was being a bit of a prat, but that'll change soon and he'll be back to the Remus we and Tonks all know and love. I think…


	7. What Difference Does It Make

What Difference Does It Make

* * *

Remus checked his watch and started as he realized he had been sitting there doing nothing for forty minutes. Well, he hadn't exactly been doing nothing. He'd been looking out the window and watching the small Auror outside pace back and forth for the past forty minutes. And still he watched her. He did not seem to feel the damp chill in the air of the house, nor did the dust seem to have any affect on him. It was as if he was impervious to all elements save one. Her. 

He didn't really know what to make of the scene he had played witness to earlier and it was bothering him. Remus was always able to come up with the logical reason for his thoughts, but this…

'It's because you're in love with her. Face it,' he thought to himself. But he couldn't. And now his hesitance seemed to cost him all future happiness. And never in a million years would he have seen it coming.

* * *

Tonks watched her breath puff out in little swirls around her. The effects of the hot chocolate she had consumed earlier had worn off and she was once again freezing. 

She also didn't like spending her time near the Shrieking Shack. It had never been a chosen destination of hers, but now that she was stationed there, she had the privilege of inspecting it for any dark wizards or activities. Well it may not have been shrieking, but the creaks and groans issuing from the old house did not make her feel any better. She shivered as she made her way up the dark walkway to the house and was surprised at how quickly the door swung open as she pressed against it.

* * *

Remus stood up as he heard the door to the Shrieking Shack swing open. He fumbled in the pocket of his robes and slowly pulled out his wand, readying himself for whatever might come through the door. 

Tonks entered the small room and her eyes grew as wide as saucers. Abandoning all reasonable judgement, she broke into a run until she reached Remus and threw her arms around him. Remus was so taken aback that he almost fell back onto the couch. Tonks' arms were wrapped around him so tightly that he could barely breathe, and she was so close to him that he could smell her shampoo and he realized that he recognized the smell and that it was distinctly her and that deep down inside of him, he loved it.

"Tonks!" he managed to gasp out. She just hugged him tighter.

"Tonks, I can-"

"You're alright!" she squeaked, "I can't believe you're here! Why didn't you let me know when you came back? I've been so worried." She finally let go of his neck for which he breathed a sigh of relief.

Remus felt a pang of guilt as he looked at her and saw her eyes slightly misting.

"And more importantly….I missed you," she finished quietly. She leaned against him, taking in his scent and letting the feeling of being close to him take over her.

Remus stiffened when she was close to him. He shifted himself slightly away from her and refused to look her in the eye.

Tonks sighed and lifted her head to look at him. "Where do you get the energy to keep pushing me away?"

He gave a short, derisive laugh. "I wasn't the one making out with someone in a pub and then trying to pawn herself off to someone else an hour later," he said. But as soon as he said it, he realized how harsh it must have sounded.

She got up off the couch. "What! Were you spying on me or something?" she started pacing the room. "And-and what business is it of yours to go sneaking around, peering into pubs? And then-and then stalking Aurors, huh?" She was trying to stay angry with him; it was easier to fight back that way, than to stay extremely hurt over his last comment.

Remus raised his hands in defense, "I'm just telling you what I saw. But I did see you kissing another man. And if I did ever….well let's just say it was…."

Tonks rounded on him, "What difference does it make whether I kissed him! Once, twice or a million times? You told me you didn't love me!"

Remus stood up and walked to her. He grabbed her wrists to keep them from flailing wildly again. "You're right. I said I didn't love you."

She gazed up at him. "And?" she asked, almost breathlessly.

It took all of Remus' self control not to lean down and kiss her lips, which were slightly open and he could feel her breath against his cheek. She was right. He'd said he didn't love her. So he had no claims over her. She had every right to kiss whomever she wished. As long as it wasn't Remus.

"I meant it." He let go of her hands and turned abruptly to leave.

She turned and watched him walk away for the millionth time. And each time, it got a little bit harder.

"It didn't mean anything," she whispered to the empty room and she flinched as she heard the front door slam shut.

As Remus stepped outside, he felt the familiar lurch in his stomach after a transformation. He fell to his knees and vomited into the dead bushes near the walkway.

When he stood up again, Tonks had appeared at the door. Her eyes were slightly red, but otherwise, her face looked unaffected. She walked by him, glancing once in his direction and then resumed her position out near the gate.

Remus followed her. "Tonks! Tonks, look I'm sorry that I didn't tell you when I got back. I-I meant to but-"

"You're too old. And you're too poor. And you're too monstrous. Yeah, I've heard it before, thanks Remus."

He moved closer to her as she tried to walk away from him. "I've been afraid. I've always been afraid of hurting those I…those I love. I can't risk it. I don't want to take that chance with someone else's heart. I've already done enough damage to my own."

She sniffed a little. "Too late," she said softly. She started to move away again but he grabbed her arm.

"Please believe me, Nymphadora. I can't do this to anyone. I can't-I _won't_ subject them to it. I-I won't do it to you."

Tonks pulled her arm away from his grip and stood there watching him for a moment. "Do you know what you do to me, Remus? Loving you or trying to love you as the case may be, is like jumping off the Astronomy Tower with nothing below me. You take the risk to make the jump and then halfway down, you start to think whether or not it's worth it. So you try to find anything and everything to cling to so you won't hit the ground. Things like window ledges and silly gargoyle statues that you always took for granted start to look very inviting as you fall very very quickly. And then you think, maybe, just maybe the fall won't be that bad. Maybe that feeling of hitting the ground is all just part of the experience. And then it actually happens. And the pain is intense. The situation is hypothetical and metaphorical but the pain is real. Real and intense and it hurts more than anything, that hitting the ground. And then you get to thinking that it wasn't worth the risk. That nothing is ever worth the risk again. I can't keep jumping just to feel that pain anymore, Remus."

Remus watched her intently. He wanted to wipe the fresh tears that were sliding down her cheek, but he didn't. Her pale skin reflecting against the white snow gave her an ethereal beauty and he felt if he were to touch her, she would shatter, along with everything around them.

"I'm going to ask you one more time. I'll jump once more because I need to know. Do you love me, Remus?"

He looked down at the ground. He heard her intake a shaky breath. Still he said nothing.

"Remus, please answer me!" And with all her reserve and self control completely gone, and Michael's words echoing in her head, she grabbed his face in her hands and kissed him.

But this time he didn't pull away from her. He drew his arms around her and pulled her closer. Remus felt as though his brain had left his body, as though he was watching the scene from above and he had no way of making it stop. And he didn't want it to ever stop.

And then suddenly, he seemed to come crashing back to earth and as if his being once more collided with solid Remus and he knew this was wrong. He knew it was wrong to lead her into this false sense of hope, when he knew in the morning, he would not be able to give her what she needed.

So gently, he pulled his lips away from hers and he immediately felt cold. He kept her close, not wanting to break the illusion just yet, and he leaned his forehead against hers. He brought a hand up and brushed a lock of her hair away from her face. And every second that went by, he seemed to ebb away a little more inside, for he knew that this could not continue. Not with her. Not with anyone. Ever. That was the rule. It had always been the rule.

Tonks thought she must have died of shock. For there was no other way that she could be standing in the snow in Remus's embrace. But for the moment, she didn't care. Lord Voldemort himself could have landed two feet away from them and Tonks didn't think it would have made any difference.

Remus's voice was barely above a whisper. "Please don't make this harder than it already is." And he kissed the top of her head and let her go.

This statement took much longer than normal for Tonks to absorb. Her passion and her excitement had spun things around in her mind and his words seemed to be coming at her at a much slower rate. It wasn't until she watched him walk away for the second time that night that she realized it had been a goodbye kiss.

And yet she couldn't find the words. She had talked so long and often and used up so many words to define this feeling, this obsession with him that she found she had simply run out. The words had never taken affect on him, so what difference would it make to waste some more on his retreating back?

Remus felt anxious as he walked away. He couldn't leave her there, without saying what he had always meant to say, intended to say if it hadn't been for certain gigantic conflicting circumstances. If he told her, than his only regret in the morning would be that she wasn't there beside him. That particular regret was quite familiar to Remus; he could handle _that_ much better than this dull ache in the pit of his stomach that came with silence.

He turned back towards her. She was standing, frozen in the spot he had left her. She had her arms wrapped around herself and her gaze seemed fixated on a certain patch of ground. As he drew closer, he tried to block out the image of her glassy eyes and trembling lips, telling himself that it was merely from the cold.

"Tonks?" She looked up at him; her face pale and expressionless. Remus felt the large lump in his throat but with determination, ignored it. "Just so you know, uh…for the record, I…admire you. And you and I are…" he paused as his eyes traveled over her face, her mousy brown hair, "…perfect. But this world we live in isn't. And so we sacrifice our perfections to…to…oh piss it, I love you, Nymphadora. I do. But I can't. When-when I see you, I get this rush of feelings and everything inside of me is in chaos. But I wait until that subsides, until I am so goddamn numb to absolutely everything that it makes it an ok feeling for me to walk away from you like this. And I don't hear your voice and I don't see your tears because I've blocked them out. It's the only way to survive. And after awhile, you become ok with that fragment, that shadow of a life you're leading. You accept it because you have no choice. Because I have no choice."

She heard him disapparate. And all she could think about was how cold it was. How cold she felt and how painful it is to cry in the snow.

* * *

A/N: Sory the end of this chapter drags. I'm sorry its been forever. I could explain right now, but I am so tired, its just not going to happen. Hope you liked it. Thank you very much for reading and for waiting ever so patiently. I really do appreciate it!  



	8. PleasePleasePleaseLet Me Get What I Want

Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want

* * *

Flashback 

"So it looks like the shop's really coming along, huh?" Tonks asked as her eyes traveled over the crowded shelves and boxes that made up Fred and George's entire life's work.

Fred nodded. "Oh yeah, it's great. The best part though, is being able to show Mum that we really could do something with our lives after dropping out of Hogwarts and our dismal OWL scores!"

"But enough about us. What brings you into our establishment this afternoon, Tonks? Can we interest you in something from our defense line?" George cut in.

Tonks kept her eyes fixed on the products in front of her. "Actually, I'm looking for a gift."

"Relative?"

"Friend?"

"Girl?"

"Boy?"

"Lover?"

At that last one, Tonks coughed. She didn't really want to know what kind of products the twins were concocting for couples.

"Methinks that last one might be the ticket, Fred," George winked at Tonks who blushed a fierce shade of red.

"I wish," she mumbled quietly. Fred narrowed his eyes.

"So what you're really looking for is a gift for yourself, am I right? Well, we do have a wide assortment of love potions. Different flavors. Untraceable, you name it, we've got it."

Tonks's eyes widened. "I'm not giving him a love potion. I'm not that desperate!"

George threw up his hands in defense. "All right, we were just trying to cover all the bases. So uh, who exactly is this bloke then?"

Tonks looked away again, preoccupying herself with a bucket of fake wands. She didn't really want to tell Fred and George that she had a thing for a former professor of theirs.

"He's just a friend. I mean, he's a stubborn friend because he won't-Well, let's just say that there could be more." She said quickly, still refusing to meet either twin eye to eye.

"Ah, so we're looking for a gift, romantic or otherwise, for a middle-aged werewolf with self esteem problems and a thick enough head to refuse to date you," Fred said as he pulled Tonks's arm towards a particular shelf.

"What! How on Earth do either of you possibly know that!" Tonks spluttered, her face another brilliant shade of pink.

George gave her a mischievous smirk. "Our mother was never very good at keeping secrets."

Tonks groaned. "And I ask myself how the situation could get any worse?"

Fred pulled a box off the shelf. "Relax, besides, now we know exactly how to help you without you leaving out any quasi important details. And pick out exactly the right gift. Nothing too committing or weird, just friendly enough to be seen as a friendly gesture with slightly more behind it then it seems!"

"What are you talking about?" Tonks asked, confused as Fred handed her the box. "What's this?"

George smiled. "_That_ is a Patented Daydream Charm. Guaranteed to give the subject a good half hour of harmless (for the most part) fun."

Tonks raised an eyebrow. "I don't know. I mean, it's a little strange to give as a gift to a guy you kind of wish was more. Don't you think?"

"Well this way you can always tell him it's a gag gift. You're not going to be giving him anything serious, so no awkwardness should really ensue," Fred assured her.

"Why, if it were me, I'd love one of these as a gift!" George added.

Tonks looked back down at the box and sighed. "All right. The two of you have managed to convince me. I'll take it."

Fred beamed. "Wonderful!" As Tonks fumbled in her bag for money, he gave his brother a look. George stared back at him blankly. Fred widened his eyes and inclined his head towards Tonks. And through some twin mind reading, George understood. He came up behind Tonks and reached a hand out and pulled a strand of hair.

"Ow! What the hell are you doing, George?" Tonks clutched her head and wheeled around.

George smiled at her. "Sorry, thought there was something in your hair. Here, let me gift wrap that for you." His hand shot out and grabbed the box off the counter before she could protest. He and Fred darted into the back room, leaving Tonks standing there, quite bewildered.

"Give it here, George! Do you think it will really work?" Fred asked as he opened the bottle and poured its contents into a large beaker.

George pulled the cork off another small bottle and poured it in afterwards. "It should. Just one hair and it'll turn the daydream into one with a very familiar character." He added the hair he had plucked from Tonks' head and grinned.

"And we're not telling her because?"

"Because then she'll be too scared to give it to him. Remember, we're just the 'innocent bystanders' in what is sure to end up happening anyway." George picked up the beaker and swirled the liquid around. It fizzed slightly and they watched the hair dissolve. They both made a face before he poured it back into the bottle.

"Where did you come up with that?" Fred asked, smirking as he put the bottle back in the box.

George shrugged. "Dunno. I heard Mum say it."

They pulled the curtain back and reentered the shop. Fred handed Tonks the box. She thanked them and left quickly, not wanting to look over at the love potions for fear that yes, she just might feel that desperate. She was too preoccupied to notice that the box was indeed not gift wrapped.

* * *

Remus sat up on the sofa. No matter what position he started off in, this particular sofa always seemed to swallow him up until he was halfway slid down and he was reading his book at a particularly funny and not very comfortable angle. He sighed as he glanced at the clock. It was only eight thirty, yet he contemplated sleep. Yesterday had worn him out completely. Not only physically after apparating to Hogsmeade and raging around in the snow, but emotionally. He had behaved abominably and he knew it. So the draw of his small bed was very appealing. 

He stood up and walked to the kitchen. Perhaps he'd make himself a cup of tea. "Yes, then you can go stick your head in the oven," he thought bitterly. He reached for the box of tea in the cupboard. After fumbling a moment, he found it. Remus looked at the box to open it.

"What is this doing here?" he asked the empty kitchen. It was that present Tonks had given him. Tonks. He clutched his hands together convulsively. He still felt awful about the night before. But of course, being the absolute pillock he was, he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it.

"Coward." The little voice inside of him had really been kicking the shit out of him lately. Figures.

Remus studied the small box. "The Patented Daydream Charm." Left to his own devices, Remus would never have brought himself to buy something like this for himself. No matter how curious he was to see how well it worked, or really, how it worked in the first place. He turned the box over and read the directions.

Looking around the small room, as if expecting someone to jump out and catch him in the act of doing something so silly, he slid the bottle out of the box. He unscrewed the cap slowly.

"Oh what the hell?" he said as he grasped the bottle and tossed it back.

* * *

Remus lifted his head. He felt quite groggy. He groaned. His head was pounding and he had a headache. 

"Here! Drink this." A hand shoved a cup under his nose. He took it and looked up. He let out a yell and almost dropped the cup. Madame Pomfrey was standing next to his bed. He looked down and started at the fact that he was lying in a hospital bed in the hospital wing at Hogwarts.

"This. Is a very strange daydream. Merlin, I hope this daydream doesn't involve her," he thought to himself as he drank the liquid in the cup. Immediately he felt his headache subside and everything became much clearer.

"Are you feeling better, Professor?" she asked. He looked up. Professor?

"Uh, yes. I'm fine!" he said cheerfully, hoping that would be his ticket out of the infirmary. Madame Pomfrey nodded and left. Remus swung his legs over to the side, thankful that he was still fully dressed.

Leaving the hospital wing, he watched his surroundings. This was definitely Hogwarts. And as he walked, he didn't really know where he was going until he suddenly ended up there. "That's rather convenient," he thought as he turned the doorknob to the classroom that had been his three years ago.

Upon stepping inside, Remus just about lost his mind. There they were, seventh years that he distinctly remembered teaching three years ago. Some faces were so familiar, he remembered their names, how well they had done in the class. Others were a little fuzzier but all in all, it was one of the strangest feelings he'd ever encountered.

"All right there, Professor?" a boy named Patrick asked. Remus smiled and nodded as he walked to the front of the class. And just like his body had mysteriously walked him to the classroom, he launched into a lecture. It was quite astounding and again, Remus had that feeling that he was somehow watching himself teach from some other vantage point. Until he noticed her. The sight of her sitting there in the second row, placed surreptitiously amongst the other students, sent him back down again.

She smiled at him. It was a small, rather secretive smile. Remus felt himself falter slightly. He cleared his throat and turned to the blackboard that he had been writing on. Once he found his voice again, he started talking to the board, not wanting to turn around and see her sitting there.

However, even though he really didn't feel like it was him talking, whoever it was talking found that he had to turn around eventually. So Remus tried his very best to keep his eyes moving around the classroom. After one sweep of the classroom, though, he failed miserably and found himself looking at her again. He noticed that she was wearing a Hogwarts robe and it made him wonder where his subconscious came up with the image of her in one.

Not that it bothered Remus horribly. In fact, he thought she looked rather good. "Stop thinking that you lecherous old man!" he shouted at himself, all the while delivering a speech about banshees. He snuck another glance. Merlin, she looked incredible. Her robe was open and he could see her white blouse underneath. The top button was undone and her tie was slightly loose.

Remus made a sharp turn, intending to look at the board again, when he collided with the first row of desks. A few snickers erupted from the class.

"Are you ok, sir?" a concerned girl asked. Remus looked up.

"I'm um, well, I think that's enough for today. Class dismissed." He sat down at the desk at the front of the room and sighed, raking a hand through his hair.

The chairs scraped against the stone floor as the students started filing out of the room. Pretty soon, the room was quiet and Remus felt it was safe to look up.

It wasn't quite a scream, but he definitely let out an audible noise when he noticed that she was still sitting in her desk. Well actually, she wasn't, Remus noticed as he looked closer. She was sitting _on_ her desk. Her legs were crossed and she was once again smiling at him.

"Tonks?" he asked quietly. He was still trying to figure out the daydream and how it was that she was in it.

She slid off the desk and started walking towards him. Remus started inwardly panicking. After all, this was insane. Was this what his subconscious mind came up with to daydream? Lusting over a student?

She was now standing very close to him. So close that he caught a whiff of that familiar scent in her hair. It was intoxicating. She leaned close to his ear. "You don't have to call me that anymore, we're alone."

Remus shot her a confused look. "But-but you hate your first name. What am I supposed to call you?"

Tonks slid her arms around his neck. "Silly, don't you remember? You always call me, Dora. And you," she kissed his earlobe softly, eliciting a small sigh from Remus, "are the **only** person allowed to call me Dora."

One of her hands reached up to tangle in his hair as she continued to kiss his neck. "Dora." It came out in a breathless whisper. Remus tried to put a finger on how she seemed to know exactly what to do.

"Well, this is your daydream, dolt. That might have something to do with it. But while we're on the subject, I might remind you that she is a student, Remus! And even though it's not really happening, it's still not right!" Oh yes, that little voice was certainly getting its enjoyment out of this.

Remus hadn't noticed how close they were to his desk until Tonks backed him into it, forcing him to sit down on top of it. She stood there looking at him with large doe eyes. A beautiful capture of innocence.

"Stuuudent!" The little voice was rather sing-songy now.

"Stop! Tonks, we can't do this. You're a-you're a student," he finished lamely as she sort of straddled his legs.

"I turned 17 two days ago. It's all right now," she said, snaking her arm up under his shirt.

Remus didn't know what to do. He was rather trapped. Tonks had more or less effectively pinned him to the desk.

"Relax. You're very tense. Look, no one's going to come in here. You don't have any more classes until tomorrow and I locked the door," she said, waving her wand in front of him.

Remus tried to smile to reassure himself. After all, it was just a daydream. But somehow, the situation had that feeling where it felt extremely right but also, just as much wrong. "You uh, seem to have given this a fair bit of thought," he said, trying to stall for more time.

She smirked. "Well, I have been waiting for a Very. Long. Time," and with each word, she undid one of the buttons from the top of his shirt.

Remus still couldn't figure out how the daydream charm had picked up on this particular situation. He hadn't ever felt any attraction to any of his students whatsoever. But now, the sight of Tonks in a Hogwarts uniform was one of the most arousing things he had ever seen. And it wasn't helping that her uniformed self was currently pressing up against certain parts of him he would never have asked a student to attend to.

"I think that maybe we should talk about this before-" But Tonks pressed her lips to his and he couldn't finish his sentence.

"And **I** think we've talked long enough about this. Now, please just relax and enjoy your bloody daydream." With that, she captured his lips in a bruising kiss which Remus seemed to feel all the way down to his toes. All of a sudden, he felt perfectly prepared to just shut up and enjoy his bloody daydream as she had instructed. And as she finally undid the last button on his shirt, it looked like he already had.

"Tonks. Tonks, I-"

* * *

Tonks tried the door. It was locked. She rang the bell again. No answer. She started to panic. She had distinctly seen the lights on in the house. So why wasn't he answering the door. Perhaps she was just pushing down the thought that maybe he was avoiding her, but she closed her eyes and apparated with a crack to the inside of the flat. 

With her wand out, she walked through the empty living room. "Remus?" she called out quietly. She turned her head as she heard a sound from the kitchen.

Entering the small room, she gasped as she saw Remus lying on the floor. She heard him utter a groan and she crouched down to make sure he was all right. There didn't seem to be any evidence of a struggle, yet there he was, lying on his kitchen floor, groaning from a head injury. Or was it a head injury? There was a faint smile gracing Remus's lips. Tonks stood up again, looking around. She spotted the empty daydream charm box on the counter. Tonks clamped her hands over her mouth.

She looked down as she heard Remus stir. It looked as though he was going to wake up soon. Tonks looked around frantically. This was going to be awkward enough for him when he woke up without her standing over him. Before he could fully awake, she panicked and ran back into the front room. She didn't really know what she was going to do once he walked back in there to find her sitting on his sofa. "But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it," she thought nervously, still clutching the empty box in her hand.

* * *

A/N: Thanks so much for the lovely reviews last time. They really brightened my day. Thanks for all sticking with it, even though I had that looooong pause. anyhoo, yeah. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading! Oh and the first part with Fred and George happened before Xmas, in case it was unclear. Thanks again!  



	9. Miserable Lie

Miserable Lie

* * *

Remus awoke to find himself lying on the floor of his kitchen. He felt the back of his head for any sign of a bump, but came up with nothing. He didn't feel any aches, perhaps he'd simply lay down on the floor of his own accord. Whatever it was, he couldn't remember exactly how he'd gotten there. It seemed absurd, but with the events he'd just been a part of (dream or otherwise), he figured nothing was too crazy. 

He stood, quickly reaching out for the counter to regain his balance. But the really crazy thing, he thought, was that he could still smell her. That familiar scent of her hair, a peaches and cream, seemed to linger in the air and it was overpowering him. And without being able to help himself, he found himself craving her.

It had always been an exhausting experience; to be around Tonks. Upon first meeting her, he had found her charming and fun and happy. Such a contrast to the dark circumstances that had brought them together in the first place. She was cheerful to his melancholy and as he saw more of her, he felt more for her as well. But that's all it had ever been, a clandestine little crush on a girl he knew he couldn't have. Remus had felt safe in the knowledge that it was simply a crush because there were no expectations. Just that sad but rather reassuring feeling that the object of his affection would never reciprocate affection. That way the only one to get hurt was Remus.

But, as chance would have it, she did reciprocate the feeling. So all of a sudden, there was that familiar danger of getting too close, letting someone in like that. And it terrified him. It was easy to brush off his own feelings as inconsequential, but when someone else's heart is also on the line, it makes it much more difficult to dismiss.

Remus looked at the clock in the kitchen. It was rather late. And even though he was suddenly filled with the rather vivid image of Tonks standing in front of him, her lips slightly parted…he shook his head. No, he was going to bed. It was decided. Besides, it wasn't as if she was there. So entertaining no other idea besides bed, he left the kitchen.

Now the configuration of Remus's small apartment was such that if he wanted to enter any other room from the kitchen, he first had to double back to the front room. Sometimes, Remus saw this as rather inconvenient. However, tonight it proved to be a good thing, seeing as if he hadn't gone back through the front room, he wouldn't have known that anyone else was there at all.

* * *

Tonks looked up as she heard Remus moving around in the kitchen. It was probably only a matter of minutes before he came back in and discovered she was there. She wondered briefly if he would be angry at her for barging in. Perhaps he would be so furious that he would merely toss her out the door before speaking to her, without giving her a chance. But no, this was Remus she was thinking about. Remus didn't do things like that. She knew him, or at least, she liked to think she did. 

She looked back down at the floor as she felt a sinking, guilty feeling. She realized she shouldn't be here, that she shouldn't try to find him. But after what he'd said to her, his words still made her shiver. To think that he actually loved her, to hear it from his lips forced Tonks to seek him out. She had to make sure it had not just been a dream, or that her dangerously overworked mind had not played a trick on her.

Tonks looked up as she heard a sort of muffled gasp from the doorway. Remus was standing there, his eyes practically bugging out of his head. She stood up, suddenly feeling as though she had intruded on something very private.

"I'm so sorry, I'll just-I'll just go," she stuttered awkwardly. Tonks felt his eyes on her, but she didn't want to look at him. And then he was suddenly standing in front of her. He was there so quickly, she wouldn't be surprised if someone had told her he'd apparated to her side. He was standing very close to her and she could feel his warm breath ghosting over her neck.

"Don't go," he whispered, as if speaking any higher would disrupt something in the room. For indeed there was a tension in the room, and Tonks wasn't quite sure how her staying would change that. She watched him for a moment, and she noticed a change, something rather pleading in the look he was giving her. Tonks wasn't quite sure how she felt about it, it didn't make her uncomfortable, merely inadequate, as if what she had to give him, she knew would never be enough.

"No really, I um-well, I didn't mean to just come barging in here. I'm not even really quite sure why I came. I guess I just-" but Tonks stopped talking as she felt Remus' eyes watching her intently. His gaze seemed so intense, it was as if he were burning a hole right through her. She swallowed nervously and looked up at him.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked her almost breathlessly. Tonks was so taken aback by this question that she didn't say anything for a good minute or two. Silence hung in the air as she considered his request. Not that she needed to consider it, he didn't even have to ask her. But why he had asked was puzzling her. Her face was inches from his and she felt nervous. It wasn't that she didn't want to kiss him, it had been the only thing she'd wanted for quite some time. But didn't he know that by now?

His eyes were searching her face for some sort of reaction, some sign or signal of an answer. Tonks thought he rather resembled a little boy asking for something he could not have, a rather forlorn face of slightly twisted innocence. Did he know that she would not refuse?

Tonks stared at him and pursed her lips, trying to figure out how to tell him that he could do anything to her except walk away from her again. She reached for his hand and interlaced her fingers with his. She heard him intake a breath and the intensity between them was fierce. "When it comes to me, Remus, you don't have to ask. You can have anything you want."

This fairly bold statement seemed to shock both of them, and for a moment, Tonks regretted it, thinking her boldness would push him away again. But he stood there, still watching her and he had not pulled his hand away from hers, or moved back so that they were standing further apart.

Then slowly, he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. It was soft and slow, a tantalizing hint of what he really wanted. And as he pulled away, Tonks felt just how much she wanted it too. She had been waiting so long and all the feeling that had been building up inside her was starting to cloud everything else, all reason and sense, and all that remained clear was that chemistry between them. Such chemistry is hard to resist - it's a veritable laboratory of pheromones and other substances. And she knew they'd never be cured, always in recovery. It consumed them both. She released his hand and snaked her arms up around his neck, pulling him close and kissing him fiercely.

An awakening, an epiphany seemed to happen in that short span of time. It was like a hunger that had been temporarily forgotten and put off because of other things. Then suddenly, you remember that its there, and it comes back to you tenfold what it was before.

* * *

Tonks wished she could say that the rest of the night felt like a blur, but it would be a lie. A miserable lie she'd tell herself later to cover up that awful empty, guilty feeling festering inside her. She remembered with perfect clarity every touch and sound and feeling. She remembered exactly how his fingers felt against her skin, how every sense was heightened because of a burning desire for more, of a desire to feel and savor and memorize every feeling that ran through her like a jolt of electricity. 

And the need to feel so close to another person seemed to have finally taken over both of them. And the small bedroom was strewn with the evidence of an event that was so long shunted that it had practically slipped away into nonexistence, remaining only in the memory of a fantasy long gone.

Remus could feel every inhibition, every caution being stripped away as he watched her, as he felt the back of his knees hit the bed and buckle. And this time it was real. It really was Tonks placing her small fingers around the buttons of his shirt. It was really her running her hands through his hair and pressing her small frame against his. But these realizations did not last long as he felt her lips on his neck and her hands everywhere, and there was no room left in either of them for any rational thought.

And it felt so good to give themselves over to the unexpected, the unknown, the unplanned. It feels different, but it feels right, to share something so intimate with another person again. But the intimacy of the situation is overshadowed by the growing frustration and lust hanging thickly in the air. So thick that you could put your arms around it. But neither notices nor cares, for they've been waiting so long, so patiently that nothing can stop this. The gates have been unceremoniously flung open and at this point, there is no turning back.

* * *

The early morning sun glared harshly down on Tonks, waking her almost immediately. She looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings until her gaze rested on Remus sleeping beside her, his deep breathing still undisturbed by consciousness. At the sight of him lying there, a sleepy contented look on his face, her heart dropped into her stomach. Her heartbeat quickened and the only thing she could think of was her mother. Her mother's voice rang loud and clear in her mind, "No one's going to want the whole ice cream truck when you're handing out the popsicles for free!" 

Under any other circumstances, Tonks might have found this mildly amusing at best. But as she sat there, the sheet drawn up around her carefully, she couldn't help but take her mother's words to heart.

'But its Remus!' she reasoned with herself. 'He wouldn't do that!' But even that wasn't a comfort as she scanned the room, looking for her discarded clothing from the night before.

She made a mental note of how sound a sleeper Remus was as she wriggled back into her jeans and t-shirt. She sighed to herself. There was something so depressing about putting on yesterday's clothes. Somehow, they felt heavier, as if weighed down with everything that had happened the day before.

Tonks felt ill. For a minute, she watched him as he slept. He looked so peaceful, none of the problems of being awake to plague him. She didn't want to be there when that changed, when he realized what he'd done. 'What we've done,' she corrected herself. Remus hadn't been himself last night. And she had encouraged it, taken horrible advantage of it, and for that, she couldn't face him.

With a crack, she apparated from the small apartment, not wanting to hear his apologies or excuses or anything else. She already knew where he stood, there was no reason for her to stay and have him tell her what a huge mistake they'd made.

Tonks sank down onto her own made bed. The sheets were cool and crisp and even though she slept in that bed every night, it seemed to strange and unfamiliar to her right now. She hugged her arms around herself and turned on her side, staring out the window at a view, she noticed, was quite similar to Remus's.

To Tonks, it was the best mistake she'd ever made. She really could believe that lie she'd built up for herself. And she would have given her right arm to be able to just crawl back into bed next to Remus and fall back to sleep, not worrying about what he'd say when he awoke to find her there.

* * *

A/N: This chapter annoys me and it was uber difficult to write for some reason. I had this unexplainable block for awhile. It still didn't turn out what I thought it would be. I don't know. hmmm. Cheers for reading!  



	10. These Things Take Time

These Things Take Time

* * *

"Tonks, open the door right now!" A loud voice could be heard throughout her small apartment. Tonks groaned. She didn't want to see anyone. Near the top of that list, was Michael and Imogen, who were at the moment drumming an incessant rhythm at her front door. She rolled over, dragging her pillow stubbornly over her head to drown them out. In consequence, she didn't hear the two cracks as the intruders apparated directly into her bedroom. 

"Nymphadora, this is absolutely unacceptable," Michael said as he pulled the pillow off of her. Tonks lifted her head only long enough to stick her tongue out at him.

Imogen glanced at Michael. She sat down on the edge of the bed. "Tonksie…" she purred quietly, "What's wrong?" she asked. Tonks didn't look at her, but mumbled something into her pillow. Imogen continued, "You've been missing work for over a week and a half now. And when you do bother to show up, you're not yourself!" she said, stroking Tonks's back comfortingly.

Tonks sat up reluctantly. She didn't like keeping anything from her two best friends, especially when they were so worried about her. But somehow, she didn't want to tell them. "I just haven't felt good recently," she said quietly.

Michael snorted. "Bullshit! Look Tonks, I know that whatever is up, it must hurt. Because believe me, there isn't much that knocks you out. But you have to remember, Rufus "I'll-Fire-Your-Ass" Scrimgoeur may have been promoted, but Bates can be just as bad. You have to come back or you'll lose your job! I mean, even Shacklebolt's been asking after you. And if any of the seniors know you're not at work, you can bet Bates knows you haven't been at work either."

Tonks groaned. "Whatever happened to unconditional sympathy?" She leaned against her headboard as Michael sat down on the other side of the bed.

Imogen smiled. "Well its hard to sympathize when we don't even know why you're moping about," she said plainly.

Tonks flushed. It had been two weeks since the morning she'd left Remus's house and she hadn't really thought about anything else since then. And her work for both the Ministry and the Order was suffering because of it. She hadn't told anyone what happened. This was what confused Michael and Imogen. Usually if something good or bad happened to any of them, they informed the other two immediately. But Tonks hadn't said anything.

Part of her had tried to forget it had happened. She felt wretched about it and the letters that Remus had sent her hadn't helped. He had sent her an owl that same day, after he woke up alone. When she didn't reply, he'd sent her another owl the next day. They all remained unopened on Tonks's desk in her bedroom. For awhile, she was terrified that he would come by and see her after she hadn't answered him, but he never did. And half of her was annoyed that he hadn't called, and the other half was terribly relieved. It was a feeling she was getting used to now, this split down the middle feeling. As if things hadn't been confusing and complicated before, it was ten times worse now. Or ten times better, depending on which half she was listening to that day.

Imogen narrowed her eyes as she watched Tonks. "You had sex didn't you?" she asked suddenly.

Tonks, who had been taking a sip of water, spluttered horribly. "What!" she exclaimed, but her face turned even redder. "I-I Well, that is to say I um…" she trailed off quietly as Imogen raised an eyebrow.

Michael grinned. "With that guy, right? That one you were talking about before? But this is good new isn't it? I mean, this is what you were aiming for, right?" he asked, unsure as he saw the miserable look on Tonks's face.

"I suppose I was hoping for a few dates or something first maybe," she said sullenly. "I mean, it was kind of sudden."

Imogen shook her head. "Oh Merlin! Look here missy, from what you've told me, the two of you have been dancing around this relationship for far too long. It's about time something happened. Now at least you'll be moving in some direction."

"But that's just the problem! Nothing has happened. I left that morning and that's it! Its just done, over!" Tonks wailed.

"You mean you haven't seen him since?" Michael asked. Tonks nodded. "But why not?"

"Because it's weird. It's confusing and complicated and I don't feel like having to talk about it with him," she said, finally getting off her chest what had been pressing on her for days.

"The two of you are attracted to each other! What's so complicated about that? So you shagged without commitment, who cares? Guys certainly don't!" Imogen said.

"There's more to it than that," Tonks replied softly. She hesitated. Neither of them knew Remus was a werewolf. Or that they were both heavily involved in a war where romantic entanglements were the least of their problems. Perhaps she would tell them eventually, but with these things, timing is everything.

"Well, has he at least tried to talk to you?" Michael asked. Again, Tonks felt her face grow hot. She knew she was acting silly by letting Remus's letters pile up unopened. She nodded slowly and pointed to her desk. Michael stood up and walked over.

"All these?" he asked as he held up a small stack of envelopes. She nodded again.

Imogen turned to look at her, horror written all over her face. "You haven't read any of them?" she asked, thunderstruck.

"Oh stop looking at me like that! The situation's not as simple as all that," Tonks snapped, snatching up the letters.

"So you said, well if you're not going to read them, I will. Give them here," Imogen said, reaching for the letters. She took the one from the bottom of the pile, the one Remus had sent that first day. She slid her nail underneath and opened it easily. Tonks and Michael watched her eyes flit from one side of the parchment to the other as she read. Tonks thought about opening one of the other ones, but stopped as Imogen put down the letter.

They looked at her expectantly, but she said nothing. Finally, Michael sighed loudly. "Well, what does it say?" he asked, exasperated. Imogen looked at him, then tossed him the letter. She turned her gaze to Tonks, who shifted uncomfortably at the serious look on her face.

"What?" she asked as Imogen continued to watch her. "Oh give me that! This is ridiculous!" she said as she grabbed the letter from Michael's hands.

_Dear Tonks,_

_Nothing can make up for what I did to you last night. I'm sorry I put you in such a position. I wasn't myself last night and I foolishly let my feelings take over my reason, hurting us both more than I could imagine. I need to speak to you in person. You left this morning without any word at all and I can't help but feel that this was my fault. Please reply soon._

_Remus._

Tonks sucked in a breath. She didn't want to cry. Not anymore, she was so tired of it. From the sound of things, Remus seemed to regret what they'd done and that didn't make her feel any better. And of course, just like Remus, he placed all the blame on himself. The letter was as she expected and, if it was possible, made her feel almost worse about what had happened and she had become angry with the part of her that had enjoyed it.

"They're all like that," Imogen said and Tonks looked up to see that she had opened the others. "Well, basically. Tonksie, I think you need to talk to him. Yes, I know things are complicated between you," she said hastily as Tonks opened her mouth to speak again, "but you can't keep this up forever, you know. I think if the two of talk to each other, it might not be so bad."

'That's because you've never tried talking to him,' Tonks thought bitterly. These days, talking to Remus was like talking to a wall. An attractive, self-effacing wall and talking to him never seemed to simplify anything between them. Mostly because as they spoke, Tonks would find something else she liked about him, or she'd become preoccupied with a memory of kissing him or some silly little thing like that, which just made what he was saying to her all the more painful.

"And get your ass back to work!" Michael said. "We can't keep covering for you and I'll be damned if you get fired these days and leave us to deal with the mess," he added. He glanced at his watch and grimaced. "Speaking of, we have to get back. I promised Dawlish we'd be back in an hour and you know how he gets when we come back late."

Imogen groaned. "Dawlish has such a large stick up his butt." She sighed. "Remember, these things take time, you just have to stick it out. And if you need anything at all, just let us know, ok?" she asked as she leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Tonks nodded. She got out of bed and stretched before giving them both hugs and escorting them out. She heard them apparate away as she went into the kitchen. As she pulled down the tea, she sighed. She knew she would have to talk to him eventually. And maybe in time, she would get over this horrible mess she'd made of their lives.

* * *

Remus took a deep breath as he set foot into the store. He looked around for a minute before he spotted one head of flaming red hair. He walked up to Fred or George and tapped him on the shoulder. 

Fred or George turned around. "Lupin! What a surprise, what can we do for you?"

Remus looked at him. "I need to talk to you. Both of you."

In a moment, the other twin had joined him and they were making their way to the back room where the twins kept their defensive line.

Remus shoved something under their noses. "What did you put in this?" he asked immediately. It was the empty daydream charm box.

Fred took it from him. "It's the daydream charm Tonks got you for Christmas. Did you use it? How was it?" he asked eagerly.

Remus laughed humorlessly. "Oh everything was great until I realized she was actually there! Or maybe it was the point where I realized she was wearing a Hogwarts uniform and I was her professor! I'm not sure which, but it doesn't matter."

Fred and George exchanged looks. "We just thought we'd help her out a bit," George said slowly.

"You should have seen her, she was looking miserable," Fred added.

"It's quite simple really," George continued. "You just take one hair from a person and add it to the charm with some of this," he picked up another small bottle, "and poof! That person has a starring role in the daydream!"

"So we just thought we'd give you a little dose of Tonks. You know, help you see you're being a bit of a pillock when it comes to the two of you," Fred said unabashedly.

Remus gaped at the two of them for a moment. "Is there any member of the Weasley family that doesn't know what's going on between us?" he asked incredulously.

Fred and George grinned. "Ron," they answered together.

Remus snorted. "And I suppose that's just an insult to his intelligence. I swear, there are no secrets." The twins nodded. Remus continued. "No, really. Nothing stays a secret for long. Pretty soon you'll all know-" But he stopped short before he could say anymore. "Look, next time you go adding people to fantasies, you should put some kind of warning label on it," he finished.

"It couldn't have been that bad, right?" George asked, winking at Remus. Remus merely rolled his eyes.

"Have you seen her lately?" asked Fred. Remus coughed loudly but shook his head.

"Maybe you should talk to her. Look, we're throwing a large birthday party here for ourselves on April 1st. We were planning on inviting the both of you anyway, you can talk to her then," George said matter of factly.

Remus sighed. "I don't think she has any interest in talking to me. Well, you said it, I've been acting like a git. But I have reason to!" he added at the look that the twins exchanged.

"Well, whatever the case may be, there's a party here on the first. It starts at six. We expect to see you here," Fred said as they filed out of the small room. Remus nodded and waved good bye as he made for the exit.

"Wait! Don't you want another daydream charm?" George asked with a twinkle in his eye.

Remus turned around then and did something he hadn't done in quite some time. He grinned widely as he gave the onlooking twins the bird. He chuckled on his way out.

* * *

Tonks sat at her desk and glanced at her inbox. It was overflowing. She tried to pick up the first few papers but only succeeded in knocking them over instead. She groaned loudly as she got down on the floor and started to pick them up. 

"Well that's what happens when you let things pile up like that," someone said behind her. She turned around to see Kingsley smiling down at her. She smiled back.

"Hey, King. How ya been?" she asked as she sat back down in her seat and started flipping through the papers.

"I'm fine. How're you? You've been gone for awhile. We were getting worried," he said, sitting down in the spare chair. "The Order didn't know what was up with you either. You gave us a bit of a scare," he added quietly. Someone passed by her cubicle and Kingsley straightened up. "It's good to see you back at work, Tonks. Its been crazy around here," he said loudly so that there was no mistake they'd been talking about work.

Tonks smiled and waved him off as she shifted through her desk to find a file. A moment later, a small letter was dropped onto her desk. She sighed. The last thing she wanted on her first day back was more work. She picked up the letter and opened it quickly. A small card fell out of the envelope. Tonks laughed out loud. It was an invitation to the Weasley twins 18th birthday party. But even as she read it, she felt a small knot in her stomach. They would surely be inviting Remus. Tonks shifted in her seat. After Imogen and Michael had left her house the day before, she had tried to write a letter to him, explaining how she felt. No sooner had she sat down she realized that she couldn't find the words. She'd sat at her desk for an hour as the waste bin had started to overflow with unfinished drafts of a letter and in the end, she'd given up, telling herself she would try again later. Now she would see him in person. And she would have to think of something to say and pretend as though everything was fine because there would be other people there as well.

Tonks glanced at her calendar. The party was in a week. She had one week to prepare herself. One week until she knew for sure she would see him again. And if she was truly honest with herself, she'd know that really, she couldn't wait.

* * *

Remus sighed heavily. He missed Sirius dearly. Of course he missed him often, but it was even more pronounced when Remus found himself in need of someone to talk to. 

Even if it was a horrible place, he missed sitting in the front room of Grimmauld Place with Sirius, just talking, because he knew that they were both in the same boat. Sirius was confined to the house, self-proclaimed useless to the world and Remus was unemployed and they could seek comfort in each other.

But now Sirius was gone and could not be there for Remus when he needed him, and it made Remus feel very alone.

Remus sank down into the couch and closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about it. He was tired of thinking about that night, tired of waiting for Tonks to reply to his letters, tired of pushing her away from him. But he had to, right? This is the right thing to do isn't it? He asked himself constantly.

Well, in a week he'd know. The twin's party was in a week and he had a strong idea that if he didn't show up, one of the Weasley clan might just drag him anyway.

* * *

A/N/Yay! I have 100 reviews! that made me very happy and motivated me to try and get the updates out sooner! Thanks to everyone who reviewed and even those who don't but are still reading, thank you too! Cheers!   



	11. Unhappy BirthdayDeath of a Disco Dancer

Unhappy Birthday or Death of a Disco Dancer

* * *

Tonks stood in front of her mirror, staring at her reflection. Some recycled tune was playing on the radio in the background and she hummed along. This was a great improvement from the past few weeks. She had come to a conclusion about tonight. It was the twins' birthday party, it was their night and therefore, she was going to enjoy herself for them. And for herself. She had to admit it was getting boring (not to mention exhausting) to feel depressed all the time. So her improved spirit went out on a shopping spree. 

Tonks didn't really see herself as the girly type, but new clothes were helping her mood more than she would have expected. She threw on her new coat and grabbed the twins' presents from her coffee table and left for Diagon Alley.

* * *

"Mum, will you relax? We have everything under control," George urged his mother to sit down and he plucked the two large pitchers of butterbeer from her hands. The twins' shop looked very festive indeed. They had moved all of the freestanding shelves to be replaced by large tables laden down with food and other tables for people to sit down. There was a clear area near where the register counter usually resided that served as a dance floor for the evening. Molly had arrived early to help her sons, but as they insisted, they had everything under control. 

She swept the hair away from her face. "So, everything's been going well then?" she asked. Fred and George looked at each other. No matter how many times she saw them, or could plainly see that they were very successful at what they were doing, she had to ask.

"Everything's great," Fred assured her as he checked a list on a clipboard. Molly nodded, for the meantime, convinced.

"Who else is going to be here?" she asked, for lack of anything else to do.

George grinned. "It's going to be wicked," he said as he handed his mother the clipboard Fred had been looking after. Molly looked at it and realized it was a guest list. She glanced down, seeing that she, Arthur and Bill and Fleur were all at the top. She grimaced slightly at Fleur's name, but let it go quickly. Further down, she saw Lee Jordan, Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinnet, old classmates of the twins. She then noticed members of the Order. Kingsley, Mad Eye, Mundungus (again, she grimaced), Lupin and Tonks.

'Lupin and Tonks,' Molly thought to herself. She hadn't seen nor heard from either of them in quite some time. She wondered what was going on between them, but put it out of her mind abruptly. She realized it was not her place to help them; it was up to them to figure things out. But getting them to be in the same place at once had proved a bit of a challenge last time she checked…

"Are Remus and Tonks both coming?" she tried to ask nonchalantly.

Fred laughed. "They better. Lupin was just in here a week ago. He's thinking of becoming spokeswizard for our new line of daydreams," he said, sounding thoroughly amused. Molly nodded absently. That last statement didn't make a whole lot of sense to her, but already her brain was working out how to get the two of them to talk tonight. It seemed to even preoccupy her enough to lay off Bill and Fleur for awhile.

Mad Eye Moody then stumbled through the open door, a large bulky package in his arms. It rather looked as though he was carrying a pane of glass. "I've come early to let you know I can't stay tonight," he said as the twins descended on him, looking eagerly at the package.

"Is that for us, Mad Eye?" Fred asked quickly. Mad Eye's magical eye swiveled around to the back of his head.

"Hello Molly, Arthur. How are you?" he asked, ignoring the twins' protests.

The Weasley's waved. Fred and George were fiddling with the uneven ends of the wrapping paper. Mad Eye grunted. "All right, all right. You can open this now, seeing as I have to be off. Took me ages to find one I thought was good enough," he said as he placed it carefully down on one of the empty tables.

The twins immediately fell upon it and tore the wrappings off as Molly and Arthur came to stand beside them. George glanced at what looked to be a mirror. "It's a foe glass, isn't it, Mad Eye?" he asked excitedly.

Moody nodded. "I figured you could hang it up behind your counter or something. Probably get more folks to buy things if anything else. And it should help you spot any little buggers trying to steal anything," he added with a sneer.

"Thanks Mad Eye," Fred grinned. Mad Eye nodded again and waved as he hoisted his robe back over himself and left.

* * *

"C'mon Remus, Fred and George made me promise," Bill said. "I can't leave until I make sure you're coming with." He had his arm wrapped around Fleur as they sat on Remus's couch. Remus emerged from the bathroom, running a hand through his hair nervously. 

"Ready?" Bill asked as they stood up. Remus nodded as he shrugged into his traveling cloak. They left the small apartment and apparated to Diagon Alley.

* * *

By seven o'clock, everyone on the twins' list had arrived and most were getting properly smashed. Lee Jordan had brought with him a very large stereo and it was blasting music quite loudly. The few (older) adults (for if truth be told, the twins' were adults as well, they just preferred to see past that) sat at one table in the corner and watched the others. 

Tonks was sitting next to Bill and Kingsley and was trying her very best not to look at Remus. Yes, she had resolved to put everything behind her for the night and enjoy it, but she was finding that was a lot easier to say in the privacy of her small bedroom rather than here where he was sitting on the other side of the table from her. When he had arrived, he had smiled at her and she gave him a small smile in return, but that was it. She had also noted that he chose to sit in a seat further from her. Tonks wasn't sure what it meant, but she hadn't taken it as a good sign for open conversation between them.

And probably to the shock of either one of them, everyone else at their table was watching Remus and Tonks very carefully. After awhile, when all they had exchanged were pleasantries, Molly was going crazy, ready to say anything to get them to sit next to each other, or perhaps have Remus stand up and announce their engagement. But Arthur shook his head. He had already been over this with his wife. No one was going to get the two most stubborn people in the world to relent except themselves and they were just the bystanders, waiting to see how it played out. Coincidentally, it was the same tactic he used to get Molly to stop fussing over Bill and Fleur.

A little while later, Molly yawned and Arthur suggested they push off, leaving the young people to really enjoy themselves. Kingsley checked his watch and realized he should probably be getting back home as well. The three stood up and wished the twins a happy birthday and went outside and apparated home.

There weren't too many people left, a few close friends of the twins from school, Verity their faithful employee and a few other friends the twins had made since moving to Diagon Alley. And representing the older crowd, Bill and Fleur who were sitting in between Remus and Tonks. After a few moments, however, the music changed and Fleur was soon tugging Bill over to the dance floor. Bill grinned at both Remus and Tonks and followed his fiancée to the floor.

Remus shifted slightly in his seat and glanced at Tonks. She was bobbing her head to the song and watching the people dancing. As he watched her, Remus's stomach gave a sort of swooping sensation, as though he'd just missed a step going downstairs. She must have noticed him watching her, because she turned and looked at him. For a moment, he panicked, as if looking at her was not allowed anymore. But surely, after something as intimate as they had shared, watching was nothing. Then suddenly, she smiled at him. Not her usual wide smile, but a small and rather sedate gesture. Yet it gave him enough courage to move over and sit in the empty chair beside her.

He started to talk, but the music was too loud and he found he had to lean his head closer to hers so that he could be heard. "How-how are you?" he managed to ask, although their close proximity was nerve wracking to him.

She turned to look him in the eye and she took a minute or two before she responded. "I'm…good," she finished finally, the small smile still gracing her lips. She wanted to ask him how he was doing, put him in the same awkward position, having to think about the answer before he said anything, carefully calculating what one little word might do. For they were perched so precariously, possibility and opportunity dangling by a thread in front of them now, that the wrong word could throw them into a swirling downward spiral. Again. So she didn't ask him.

Unnerved by each other's gaze, the intensity of the silence between them caused them both to look away again, and so they turned their attention to the dance floor, where everyone else left at the party were dancing. Fred was dancing wildly, a half empty firewhiskey bottle in his hand. They noticed that everyone else was now holding shot glasses. George turned around and noticed Remus and Tonks sitting down and he frowned. He jumped over to where they were sitting and sat on the table in front of them.

"Now, why exactly are the two of you sitting here, moping about, and everyone else is having fun? This will not do at all! Come on," he grabbed Tonks's arm with one hand and Remus's arm in the other, "Have a few shots with us!" he said, dragging them to their feet.

Remus glanced at his watch. "I should probably be going," he said slowly. George glared at him. "Lupin, it is 9:30, the only place you are going to go, is right over there," he said, pointing to the dance floor.

"I can't dance," he insisted as they reached the open space. Lee turned and handed Remus, Tonks and George shot glasses and Fred filled them.

"It is our birthday," Fred insisted. "And you two are going to bloody well enjoy yourselves. Besides, you're not paying for this firewhiskey, we are. Take advantage of it!" he said merrily.

Remus took a sideways glance at Tonks, who had already made to down the shot. He started to lift his glass as well, resigned to bloody well enjoy himself as best he could.

"Cheers!" George said as he knocked both their glasses. All three threw their heads back and downed the shot.

Immediately, they felt the effects. Tonks shivered slightly. And almost immediately, Fred was back and had poured them another shot.

* * *

The large clock in the corner made a sort of rumbling sound and a second later, a large model of a dragon burst out and made a sort of snarling, growling sound eleven times. 

"Its eleven o'clock!" George shouted loudly, his speech slightly slurred in inebriation. He doubled over, Lee Jordan draped over him and both cackled loudly.

"Ruddy lightweights, the pair of 'em," Bill said, his eyes only slightly glazed over. He was sitting again and Fleur was sitting in his lap, kissing his neck unabashedly. Remus was sitting across from them, eyeing his empty shot glass and looking anywhere but at the two lovers. He turned and watched George and Lee for a moment. He chuckled slightly himself. He then let his eyes settle on Tonks. She was dancing with Fred and for a moment, Remus felt a pang of jealousy run through him. A second later, he felt ashamed with himself. They weren't even touching each other, yet he felt awful, seeing the two of them together like that. Smiling, laughing at Fred's erratic movements. She looked happy. He smiled bitterly to himself. Of course she was happy, they were all too drunk not to be. Fuck, he was happy! He was drunk, he couldn't remember the last time he'd been drunk. It felt wonderfully liberating and glorious.

Remus sort of shook himself out of his daze as he felt a pair of eyes on him. Sitting on the counter next to the register, Verity was looking at him. She had clear hazel eyes and they were staring fixedly at Remus. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He jumped slightly as George plopped himself down in the chair next to him. "She's been looking at you for quite a while, mate," he said, his voice sounding a lot more sober than it had a few minutes ago. "In fact," he said as he poured himself another shot, "She saw you come into the shop last week. Asked us about you. I have the feeling she's quite taken with you," he finished before downing his drink.

Remus coughed loudly at George's remark. He didn't quite know what to say in response, so he didn't say anything. George poured him another shot and Remus picked it up. His eyes met Verity's again before he threw it back. He shivered, slamming his glass down onto the table. 'Merlin, they get younger by the day,' he thought to himself dismally.

"You should da-hic-ance with her," George remarked. Remus raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh come on, Lupin. Don't look at me like that. I haven't seen you smile once in here tonight. And really, truly mean it," he added as Remus grinned at him, very much resembling the Cheshire cat. "I think you need to loosen up. Have a little fun! Throw caution and inhibition to the wind!" George was standing on his chair now, the firewhiskey bottle flailing about wildly.

Remus shuddered. He remembered all too well what happened the last time he threw caution and inhibition to the wind. He stood and pulled George back down in his seat.

"Cheers mate!" George sloshed, before standing and asking Angelina to dance with him. They shuffled onto the floor just as the music changed. It was slow and sensual and the feeling in the room changed dramatically from carefree and buoyant to one of a kind of bottled tension and passion. Remus noted that Tonks was still dancing with Fred and it bothered him. So he stood quickly and crossed to where Verity was sitting on the counter. He smiled at her.

"Would you like to dance?" he asked, holding out his hand. She returned the smile and slid gracefully off the counter, taking his outstretched hand.

He had to admit, she was very pretty. Her blonde hair, he noticed, she wore short, as Tonks often did. He felt her put her arms around him, and taking a deep breath, as if he was preparing to do something much harder, they started to dance.

Tonks's breathing was quick and her feet were starting to hurt, so she was fairly happy when the song changed. She'd been dancing with Fred for awhile and she really had started to enjoy herself. When the music changed, she immediately moved closer to him. As they danced, out of the corner of her eye she noticed Remus was also dancing. It piqued her interest, she turned Fred around to get a better look at the girl.

"Who is that?" she asked Fred, nodding towards Remus and the girl, who had her head resting on his shoulder now. Tonks's eyes narrowed.

Fred followed her gaze. "Oh that's Verity. She works here, you know," he said absently.

Tonks nodded but her eyes were still glued to the other couple. Fred grinned. "You're not jealous are you?" he asked, his voice light and amused.

"What?" she asked, her attention suddenly snapped away from Remus. "I was just wondering who-"

"It's a little obvious," Fred interrupted her. "The two of you have been sneaking glances at each other all night, and the only two people who seemed not to have noticed is the two of you. Well, and maybe Verity. Bless her, she works hard, but she's about as bright as a tea cozy," he said solemnly.

Tonks pulled away from him slightly. "I have-I mean we haven't been-I don't know what you're talking about!" she sputtered angrily.

Fred raised an eyebrow. "I'm not stupid Tonks. And no one here is blind. If you're going to try and hoodwink us, you'll have to choose something a little less obvious."

Tonks walked away and sat down in an abandoned chair. She was short of breath now, but for an entirely different reason. Fred sat down next to her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you," he said gently, "but it's just…well, what happened? I mean, the two of you aren't even talking to each other now. And Lupin came in the other day saying he'd used the daydream charm you gave him. We thought that might be an improvement," he said, sounding slightly more cheerful.

Tonks coughed. "I know he used the charm," she said slowly, trying not to say too much.

"And?" Fred asked eagerly. He was still anxious to see how the experiment had worked.

Tonks stared at him. "And nothing. Look, its none of your business," she added at the crestfallen look on his face. She stood up quickly and poured herself a glass of water. She felt like she was going to be sick. Her hand was shaking as she raised the glass to her lips. She watched Remus still dancing with Verity, who suddenly turned around and started grinding herself against him. Tonks's glass fell to the floor. She turned quickly and ran out of the room.

She slammed the door to the bathroom quickly and leaned over the sink. Now she really felt as though she'd vomit. She splashed her face with cool water and then she sank to the floor, too tired to continue standing.

* * *

Remus had felt a little awkward when he felt Verity put her head on his shoulder. He had been watching Tonks at the time, so when she did it, he started slightly. She giggled. He watched as Tonks stalked off the dance floor, Fred following her. She looked upset about something. He wanted to tell her the only reason he was dancing with Verity in the first place was because _she_ had been dancing with Fred, but he realized how ridiculous and childish that would have sounded, so he refrained. 

When Tonks stood up, Remus thought for a moment that she was leaving. He started to pull away from Verity, for he still had not spoken to Tonks as he had meant to. However Verity took this opportunity to grind herself against him and he was caught completely off guard. He stared at her nonplussed and she grinned widely at him, her eyes glazed over. She was clearly drunk.

"Whoa, Verity are you all right?" he asked as he pulled back from her. He heard a door slam somewhere and realized Tonks was gone. As he pulled away, Verity fell to the floor and immediately started laughing.

Fred rushed forward to help her up. "Come on, Verity. Let's go sober you up a bit," he said, hoisting her up quickly. Remus watched the scene for a second. He felt a knot in his stomach, for some reason, he knew that Tonks had seen what had just happened and that was why she was gone.

He turned to Fred. "Where did-"

"She's in the bathroom," Fred said before Remus could even finish asking.

Remus went into the back room and found the bathroom door shut. He approached it cautiously, as if something awful might come bursting out and attack him. He wanted to knock. He wanted to talk to her, to explain, to apologize. He could hear movement on the other side of the door. Remus gritted his teeth and knocked tentatively on the door.

* * *

A/N: I feel kind of bad about putting Verity in a negative light. Oh well, I don't particularly like inserting OCs, so there you go. And I also couldn't decide between the two songs so that's why they're both in the title. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. Its a happy thing! Cheers for reading!  



	12. I Want the One I Can't Have

I Want the One I Can't Have

* * *

Tonks looked up as she heard a knock at the door. She hadn't been crying, but subconsciously, she wiped her face to rid any sign of tears. "I'll be out in a minute," she said, marveling at how little her voice shook. She stood up slowly, holding her stomach. She still felt rather sick, but if someone else had to use the bathroom, she would live.

"Tonks? Are you all right?" a familiar voice asked on the other side of the door. "Can I come in?" he asked.

Tonks shook her head, as if he could see through doors, but still, she said nothing. She slid down to the floor again and shut her eyes. Perhaps if she couldn't see him, he wouldn't see her.

"Nymphadora, answer me! Are you hurt?" Remus's voice sounded concerned now.

Tonks opened her eyes again. And then, she just couldn't help it, she started laughing. Was she hurt? At this point, it was one of the funniest questions he could have asked her.

There was a click and the door sprang open. Remus burst into the small room to find Tonks sitting on the floor, her legs hugged to her chest and giggling.

"Let's think, shall we? Am I hurt? Well Remus, I'd say yes, I hurt a lot right now actually," she said, determinedly not looking at him. She heard the door shut and for a fleeting moment, she thought maybe he had left. She then felt him sit down beside her.

"I'm so sorry," he said quietly. When she still refused to look at him, he took her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. "Nymphadora," he said, but he sort of trailed off. His brain had only taken him so far and he couldn't think of what to say to her.

"Look, I'm sorry Remus. I'm still a little drunk. Maybe we should wait and talk a little later because-" but she too stopped short, not finishing her thought.

"Because what?" he asked as he realized he was still holding her face. He pulled his hands away slowly.

"Because I don't want to say something I'm going to regret later," she finished, turning away again.

"Well then will you at least listen to me?" He shifted slightly, stretching his legs out in front of him. When she didn't answer, he sighed but started to talk anyway.

"I've been thinking about what happened the other night," he started slowly. "Actually, I think it's all I've been thinking about all week," he confessed, his voice even quieter than usual. "You left without saying anything, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to make of that. I-"

"I saw you dancing with Verity," Tonks said suddenly. Remus stopped, his mouth open in mid speech. Tonks looked at him. "You two looked like you were having fun," she added and the icy tone in her voice was easy to pick out.

Remus looked at her, gobsmacked. Again, he was overcome with the urge to point his finger at her and tell her that all of that could have been avoided if she hadn't spent the evening dancing with Fred. "She was horribly drunk," he said after a minute, deciding finger pointing was something reserved for twelve year olds.

"That makes three of us at least then," she said quietly, although she knew that they were sobering up quickly and she wasn't quite ready for that. She liked the numbness the alcohol provided her. She had grown so comfortable with it, that she wasn't quite sure why everyone didn't just get pissed out of their heads everyday. Surely, it would make many things a lot more bearable.

'It would certainly help make _this_ situation a little less awkward,' she thought as the two of them sat in silence, looking at the floor.

"I just wanted to apologize, for the other night I mean. I was um, in a bit of an odd mood and I-well, I mean that is to say…" But Remus found himself at a loss for words again.

"I was there, I know what happened, Remus. We had sex. You didn't attack me or anything. It was mutual. But that's it, isn't it? I mean, obviously we both know that it can't go on. Or at least, that's what you're going to tell me the minute you find the right words, isn't it? This was all just a big mistake, a gross misunderstanding on my part. Because well, once you've satisfied those primal urges, you can go back to pushing those feelings you have for me back down into the dark recesses of your mind. Pretty convenient isn't it? Well, thanks for chatting with me, Remus. It's really put everything back into perspective for me." She stood up, leaving Remus to sit on the floor, looking as though he'd just been clubbed over the head. Tonks reached for the doorknob.

"It's locked," she said after trying to turn it. Remus looked up at her.

"It might just be jammed, here," he stood up too, his voice was hollow and it sounded far off, like it wasn't really him speaking. He cleared his throat as he grasped the knob and tried to turn it. She was right. It wouldn't budge. He tried to turn it with more force, but it just stayed put. After a moment, Tonks pulled out her wand and whispered "Alohamora" as she pointed it at the door. Nothing. They were stuck.

Tonks turned quickly to Remus. "This is entirely your fault, you know," she spat at him angrily.

Remus laughed humorlessly. "My fault! What did I do, except apparently violate you with a huge mistake by fulfilling my primal urges or some bollocksy shite like that?" he replied, now sounding just as angry.

"Yeah well, I bet you had fun. Stringing the two of us along for awhile, eh? She was a bit young wasn't she? So who's next after Verity, huh? How about Ginny or Hermione? They seem to be in the next age bracket you're thinking of conquering! Then maybe, just maybe we'll have all fallen in love with someone who's determined to remain alone for the rest of his life and we can form some sort of support group!" Tonks was still struggling with the door, trying to get it to open.

"Tonks, I'd never even seen her before tonight! Or is that it, no other woman is allowed to be attracted to me besides you?" He moved a step closer to her.

"Well according to you, _I'm_ not even supposed to be attracted to you!" she said, her voice rising in frustration both at Remus and the stubborn door.

"I never said-"

"Oh that is exactly what you said. Every time I brought up _us_, that is exactly what you told me! Maybe not in those words, but I'm not stupid, Remus I can take a hint. It's just that most of the time, I choose not to!" She turned around now, having given up on the door, to face him full on.

"And what, I'm supposed to thank you? This is all your fault! You flounce around here, not even realizing that all I could ever want is to be with you! But I can't! And every time I see you, it reminds me of how hard it is to give you up! And I tried to tell you, I did. But you wouldn't listen. And everything we ever had has changed because you're too stubborn to see that this can never happen!" Remus placed his hand next to Tonks's head where she was leaning against the door.

Tonks laughed. "You're lecturing me about being stubborn? Talk about pots and kettles being black!" She had the distinct feeling she was shouting now.

Remus looked at her for a moment, and the edges of his mouth twitched ever so slightly. "That's uh, that would be the pot calling the kettle black. I think is what you meant to say," he said, his anger waning slightly and a hint of amusement in his tone.

"Don't patronize me, Remus! I'm not a child!" she said stamping her foot angrily, giving off the exact opposite impression of what she was trying to accomplish.

"I never said you were. In fact, I thought maybe you could handle this situation rather more maturely." Remus's voice was quieter again, the anger was gone, but the amusement was too. He sounded as he felt, defeated.

"Oh this is ridiculous! Fred! George! Let us out of here now!" Tonks yelled at the door. She may have still been a little buzzed but she was not stupid. She wheeled back around to look at Remus. "Will you help me?" she snapped. But before she could turn back around to start pounding on the door, Remus had slammed her into it. He crushed his lips against hers almost bruisingly and his arms pinned hers to the wall.

Tonks gave a surprised little yelp but did not push him away. Instead, her arms snaked up around his neck as he freed them to grab hold of her hips as he lifted her, backing her into the door with another resounding thump, eliciting another yelp from Tonks.

The anger and resentment that they had felt so strongly only moments before, seemed to dissipate into a raging desire fueled both by alcohol and the horrible tension that screamed to be broken. And somehow, amidst the tangle of limbs, a wand was raised and a small chaise was conjured. If they were stuck in the room all night, they might as well be as comfortable as possible.

* * *

"This is better than fellytision," Fred remarked as the twins moved their heads away from the door that had just been thudded against, followed by a yelp. "Come on," he said, grabbing George's arm, who seemed vaguely reluctant to go. 

"Wasn't the plan sort of ruined then," George asked as they trudged upstairs. "Wasn't the point of locking them in there together was so that they could talk?"

Fred shrugged. "I'm sure there'll be time for talk later," he said casually. George frowned. Fred sighed. "Look, George if there's anything to be said about girls, its act now talk later. I mean, who knows the next time Lupin'll get any more tail. Although, Verity did seem pretty fond of him…but still, the point is those two just need to work things out. And sometimes, you can't talk things over until you've gotten your ya-ya's out. Know what I mean?"

"No," George answered flatly. "I just feel weird, you know? It's our fault they're in there in the first place. Don't you think it will be even harder for them if they've…you know?" he asked, trailing off.

"What, you mean shagged? They've already done it. You can tell," he added as George raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You didn't spend that much time with her tonight. I did. Something's definitely changed in their dynamic. Its sex," he said plainly.

"Oh," George said quietly.

"Well, goodnight," Fred said cheerfully as he went into his own bedroom. George waved, slightly half-heartedly and went to his own room. It was odd though, not sleeping in the same room as Fred. Oddly quiet, he thought as he lay down.

* * *

Tonks sighed as she pulled away from Remus. He gave her a questioning look, but he leaned back all the same as she adjusted herself on the small chaise now sitting parallel to the door. 

"Please, can we not do this again?" she asked suddenly. Remus watched her nervous expression and immediately felt a rush of guilt. He stayed where he was for a moment, sort of frozen to the spot. She hugged her knees to her chest and he was overcome with the urge to put his arms around her, to protect her in any way he could. But he refrained, knowing that what he had to protect her from, he couldn't do himself. They sat there for a moment in silence, both of them concentrating on the colorful tile of the bathroom floor and not on each other.

"I'm tired," she whispered finally. Remus seemed to let out a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding. Tonks stretched out on the small chaise and closed her eyes, leaving enough room for him to lie down next to her. He did so, tentatively, and he felt a small shudder of excitement, but quickly suppressed it, it was easier when she had stopped him. He was about to roll over so that they were lying back to back, but she stopped him. He paused and sucked in a breath as she grasped his arm and pulled it around her.

"Just for tonight," she mumbled sleepily, "since we're stuck in this room together, I want to know what its like to fall asleep next to you with no complications, no expectations, no nothing, just us."

Remus exhaled as he let his arm drape over her. After a moment, he pulled her closer and it was her turn to shiver as his breath hit the nape of her neck and she could feel his heart beating in his chest, a slow, steady beat as he started to fall asleep.

Tonks silently cursed herself as she hung in between sleep and consciousness as she felt a single tear drop off the end of her nose. In defiance, she snuggled closer to Remus and fell asleep herself.

* * *

Fred yawned loudly as he rolled out of bed. He put a hand to his throbbing head and tried to remember why it hurt so much. 

"Oh right, the party," he said out loud to the empty room at large. He stood up and stretched as he walked to the door. He tried to turn the knob, it wouldn't move.

He picked his wand up and said, "Alohamora," sleepily to the door. He didn't hear a click, but tried the door anyway. The knob still wouldn't turn.

"George! This isn't funny. Open the door, I have to take a piss!" he yelled as he banged on the door.

"Oh its not George," said an unfamiliar voice on the other side. Fred jumped away from the door, holding his wand out defensively.

The person giggled. Fred crept back up to the door. "Tonks?"

She started laughing louder. Fred swore loudly.

"Dammit! Tonks, I have to piss!"

"Well you should have thought about that before you locked _us _up all night!" she said angrily.

Fred stared at the door incredulously. "Tonks, we locked you in a bathroom," he said after a minute.

Another voice was on the other side of the door now. "Tonks, just let him out."

"Listen to Remus, Tonks!" he cried desperately.

There was a murmur and a click and Fred burst out of his bedroom. Tonks was standing there with her arms folded and a smirk across her face. "You would have deserved it you know," she said as he dashed into the toilet.

Remus walked over to George's door and took the charm off of his, however George seemed to not have heard anything, he was still dead asleep.

Tonks and Remus went back to the kitchen, where they'd already made tea and toast and sat back down at the small table.

"So," Remus started slowly, "about last night."

Tonks looked up at him. "Nothing happened," she said casually, sipping her tea.

"I know but-"

"Remus, why do insist on punishing ourselves by talking about this? I'd rather we just pretend that nothing important really happened, and just go on being your friend if I can't be anything more," she said, sounding weary.

Remus slid his hand across the table to cover hers. She tried to move it away but he held it there. "Tonks, you know how hard this is for-"

A loud yawn came from the doorway and Tonks and Remus looked up. Standing in the kitchen, they assumed was George. He was wearing a pair of purple boxers with yellow polka dots and nothing else. His bright red hair was sticking out at all sorts of funny angles. His eyes were half closed as he walked through the kitchen and went to the refrigerator. He stood there a moment, scratching his behind until he pulled out the orange juice. He turned around, and for the first time, realized there were other people in his kitchen.

"Bloody hell!" he yelped and the carton of orange juice dropped to the floor, spilling it all over him and unfortunately Remus, who was sitting closest to it.

And then suddenly, Tonks started laughing. Remus turned to her, streams of orange liquid running down his face and onto the shirt he'd been wearing the night before. "Oh, so you think this is funny, do you?" he asked, as she continued to laugh, putting a hand over her mouth to try and hold back some of her laughter.

She nodded as her eyes moved back and forth between them, the sticky juice running down George's chest and dripping from the ends of his hair. "Here," she said as she flicked her wand and the juice started to evaporate away.

At that moment, Fred walked in. "What happened to the orange juice?" he asked as he saw the carton lying on the ground.

Tonks laughed again as she stood up. "Well, as much as I'd love to stay and chat with you all, I must go to work."

Remus looked up at her. "Already? But couldn't you just stay and-"

She shook her head. "I really can't. All this high security stuff, I have to go in or I'll lose my job. I'll be around though," she said quietly. She patted Fred and George on the head as she passed.

"You boys be good," she said over her shoulder. Remus stood up to follow her out.

"I meant what I said earlier," she said, once they were out of the twins' earshot. "I want things to go back to the way they were. No more of this silly, stupid awkwardness, all right? I mean, I suppose I've accepted that some things just aren't meant to be," she continued, stroking his cheek with her hand. "I just, well, I'll see you later, then." She went up on her tip toes and kissed his cheek lightly. Then quickly, she turned and walked downstairs and out through the shop.

At the bottom of the stairs, she saw Verity leaning over the counter, fixing one of the displays. "Good morning, Verity!" she said brightly and walked out the door. She paused outside for a moment, until she heard more footsteps and Remus's surprised voice as he saw what Tonks had just seen.

"Oh, uh…good morning," he said carefully. Tonks heard Verity gasp, then let out a piteous whine and Remus hurried out the front door too.

"You were waiting for that to happen weren't you?" he asked as he saw her still standing there, an amused look on her face.

Tonks smiled wickedly, "Perhaps. See you soon, Remus," she said as she waved goodbye and apparated away.

Remus sighed heavily and then did the same.

* * *

A/N: omg, I'm sorry its been forever, my second semester of college was more of a workload than I expected and I left you in the worst possible place! Please forgive me. Anyhoo, this chapter goes out to a very good friend of mine who was really the one that kept bugging me to update and put up this next chapter. She made a Lupin/Tonks video that kind of serves this story fairly well. Its really cool, a lot of it has to do with things that happened in the fic, I guess. Its very good, even if its not done to a smiths song. Oh well. Its over on artistic alley . org Here's the link (erase the spaces): 

http / www . artisticalley . org / gallery / showphoto . php ? photo 18646 & cat 504  



	13. Hand That Rocks the Cradle

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle

* * *

Tonks was standing outside the back alley of the Three Broomsticks, casually picking at the end of her shirt when she heard a noise. It was dark, and immediately she was on high alert and she pinned something to the wall efficiently. Whatever it was gave a grunt as she threw it against the wall. 

"Hello Nymphadora," said a slow voice from the shadows. She relaxed as she let go of his collar and Severus Snape stepped into the beam of light coming from inside the bar.

"What are you doing here, Snape?" she asked, folding her arms and leaning against the wall. "Shouldn't you be up at the school?" she added.

"Well I was wondering if perhaps you'd seen Dumbledore pass by here this evening. He was not in his office and I came to see if he was in Hogsmeade," Snape said coolly.

Tonks shook her head. "Haven't seen him tonight."

They stood there for a moment in silence. Snape cleared his throat as he put a hand to it. "You know, if while you were at school, someone had told me you would become a very successful Auror someday, I would not have believed them. Indeed, you would have done even better in my class had you not been so clumsy."

Tonks made a face. "Yes, well we all know how hard it is for you to give someone outside of your own house full marks," she said scornfully. She distinctly remembered getting an Outstanding on her Potions OWL, as well as Michael, and Snape most begrudgingly let them into his NEWT class.

Snape stiffened slightly. "Mm, and I suppose you feel that _Lupin_ makes a much better teacher than myself?" he said, emphasizing Remus's name rather derisively. "I'm sure that hanging around with certain students of mine helped you see the distinction."

"I can remember your classes just fine on my own," said Tonks coldly, incensed by the sort of mocking tone he'd taken with Remus's name. That reminded her of before, after he'd glimpsed her Patronus, calling it weak.

"What do you have against Remus anyway?" she asked suddenly.

Snape looked away and said nothing. He was overcome with the urge to say, "Well, it's more the fact that he exists," but didn't.

"You don't have to tell me, but isn't it just a bit childish? Holding onto a grudge for so long," she said casually, trying to get a rise out of him. She'd actually never seen the man really angry before. Of course everyone was frightened out of their wits by him anyway, but he'd never really been…unleashed.

"Almost as childish as pursuing a man who clearly has no interest in you romantically," he retorted, sounding just as casual.

Tonks wheeled around. "I'm not your student anymore. And I don't care if you are in the Order, if you talk to me like that ever again, I will make things very difficult for you!" she said angrily.

Snape smiled at her. "Yes, I must be careful around such a touchy subject I suppose. But let me tell you something about Lupin, if he wants something bad enough, he'll take it."

"What are you talking about?" she asked, exasperated. Snape was and always had been a master of cryptic phrases, and she wasn't particularly in the mood for games.

Snape sighed overdramatically. "It's not really all that important, I suppose. It's all in the past these days and as you said, it is a bit childish to hold on to such silly things as grudges."

Tonks nodded. "Right, whatever." She turned away again.

She saw Michael making his way up the street towards them. He was huffing and puffing slightly, caused probably by the fact he was also puffing away on a fag.

"Your shift's up. You still going to go see Re-Oh, hello," he said, his voice changing suddenly to monotone politeness at the sight of Snape still standing there.

Tonks grimaced as Snape turned to Michael. "Well, well, well, Mr. Savage. Having a little reunion are we?"

"He's an Auror too, Snape," Tonks said coldly.

"Ah yes, of course." Snape nodded slightly at both of them and slinked away into the dark.

Michael watched him go, a rather disgusted look on his face. "What did _he_ want?"

"He was looking for Dumbledore," Tonks said, grabbing the cigarette from his hand and taking a drag.

"You don't smoke," Michael said, taking it back.

Tonks sighed. "I'm thinking maybe I should start."

"Mmm, I know what you mean. Things like Severus Snape require as many vices as possible," he said knowingly.

"My life in general these days, requires as many vices as possible," she replied, stealing a fresh cigarette from his pack. He lit it for her and she nodded in return.

"I could lecture you on both the ridiculousness of that statement and the fact that these will kill you but," he raised his own fag, "I am in no position. Now go on, are you going to go see Remus? You only have an hour."

Tonks threw herself onto a discarded box. "I really don't see the point. I can't even remember why I was going again."

"I think you were going to 'rekindle the bonds of friendship' or something really prudish like that," Michael said nonchalantly.

Tonks glared at him. "I told him we were just going to be friends."

Michael sat down next to her on the box. "And what I don't understand is why. Why are you being such a pussy? I have never known you to give up on something so easily. Why start now?"

Tonks stood up. "Who said any of this was easy?" she said angrily. "I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest and shoved down my throat all year! You have no idea! Michael, things like this are so easy for you. You get whatever you want, always. And usually, I wouldn't back down, you're right. But I am so fucking tired. At this point, I should be happy he even consented to shagging me."

She pulled out another cigarette and tried to light it but the lighter wouldn't ignite. Suddenly, a new hand, one that wasn't Michael's, shot out from behind her, lighting it effortlessly. Tonks wheeled around, her wand straight out in front of her.

Even in the dim light of the street, she could make out who it was, and she almost fainted.

"I hadn't realized you'd become a chain smoker," the voice said quietly. Tonks swallowed dryly.

"What are you doing here?" she managed to choke out.

Remus actually smiled. "Uh, I can't really say here," he said, eyeing Michael and waving at him awkwardly.

Tonks's heart was thudding so loudly in her chest that she didn't even hear Michael's response.

"Oh, please, don't let me keep you," he said. He raised an eyebrow at Tonks and issued her off.

They walked out of the small side street and down the high street of Hogsmeade. Tonks was feeling slightly dizzy.

"That's not my boyfriend," she blurted out suddenly, kicking herself mentally after the fact. "I mean, he's just a friend, we were just talking. And um, well, what did you want to tell me?" she asked, trying not to sound too eager. She didn't even care at this point if Remus had overheard her.

"Oh right, well, you asked me what I was doing here and, I uh, said I couldn't tell you there."

"In front of Michael."

"Right, because he's not in the Order. Well that's why I'm here. When Dumbledore leaves the school, he contacts the Order and we stay here for extra security until he comes back." Remus stopped and looked at her.

"Oh of course, yeah, I knew he might be gone. Snape came by looking for him earlier," Tonks said, trying to sound offhanded about it and hide the disappointment in her voice. After all, it was ridiculous to believe he had actually come all this way just to see her. Not to mention how ridiculous it would have been if he'd invited her up to a room, shagged her, then asked her to marry him over breakfast in bed the next morning. Of course…absolutely ridiculous.

She felt like such a fucking idiot.

Remus ran a hand through his hair nervously. "And I thought, perhaps if you had a break, we could get a drink and catch up. I haven't seen you for a few weeks."

_Four weeks and three days. But who's counting?_ Tonks thought bitterly. It was now the beginning of May and the last time she'd seen him was the twins' party.

"Well, I'm on my break now. Did you want to go in here?" she asked, nodding at the Three Broomsticks.

"Yeah, that'd be great," Remus said, sounding relieved.

They walked inside. It wasn't very crowded. It often wasn't these days. They found a table in the middle.

"What did you want?" Remus asked as Tonks sat down.

"Oh um, well, I'm just on a break, so I better just have a butterbeer," she said almost reluctantly, though the glittering green bottles of firewhiskey and other hard liquors on the back shelf looked much more tempting.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a galleon. She started to hand it to Remus but he shook his head.

"It's all right, Tonks. I've got this," he said.

Tonks held her hand out insistently. "Remus, this is not a date. I can pay for my own drink," she replied.

Sighing, Remus took the money and walked off to the bar.

"Oh well handled, Nymphadora. That's exactly the way to encourage him," a voice said from behind her.

Tonks's eyes narrowed as she turned around in her seat. "Thank you Snape, but if I ever needed romantic advice, I would certainly not consult you," she said coldly.

He smirked. "Right, because you manage so well on your own," he replied coolly.

Tonks opened her mouth to reply when Remus reappeared at the table. "Oh, hello Severus. I didn't see you there."

"Lupin," Snape said dismissively, turning back to a book he was reading.

Remus didn't look fazed by this less than cordial greeting, actually he looked slightly amused. Tonks sighed. "What, you don't get any drive-by insults?" she asked, loud enough so Snape could hear her.

"Well I figured Lupin's life in general could be considered an insult to the man. But I'm sure I could come up with something," Snape said, still reading.

"Piss off," Tonks hissed.

Remus smiled, "Just forget it. Besides," he leaned closer to her and whispered in her ear, "I think he's just jealous he's not here with as pretty a girl as I am."

Tonks felt herself blush slightly. "Ah yes, that must be it," she replied, reminding herself to play it cool. She was determined not to let his very inviting remarks lead her into a false sense of security. Not this time at any rate.

* * *

_Oh hell, sod this false sense of security, _she thought later. 

They'd been chatting fairly easily for half an hour and Remus had been just as genial as he'd always been. Tonks in return was acting just as cheerful and well, Tonks-like as when they'd first met.

In one sense it was liberating. But at the same time, Tonks's stomach clenched as she forced herself to smile and laugh and pretend that everything was ok and the same as it had always been.

And yet she ate it up. She may have only been drinking butterbeer, but she was drunk purely off Remus's attention to her. It was an intoxicating thing and Tonks realized that trying to avoid it would be completely hopeless. And she liked it. When she thought long and hard about it, it was nice to have his full attention and to have his smiles and his laughs and the amusement in his eyes back when they spoke to each other.

She had told herself she would never settle for this, but it was hard not to when it was such a wonderful feeling. They hadn't fought, no harsh words were exchanged and she felt wanted. Even if it was just friendship he wanted.

A few minutes later, she watched as Snape stood up and left. He did not acknowledge them again, something Tonks was personally thankful for. Remus turned and watched him leave as well.

"The two of you were particularly vehement to each other this evening," he commented lightly.

"Snape's a git. Always has been. And he hated me for being so good at potions, I think," Tonks replied, taking another sip of her butterbeer thoughtfully.

"How does Snape know you were good at Potions?" Remus asked.

"Because he was my professor." Tonks grimaced.

Remus looked startled at the idea. "What?"

"I think he started there around the same time I came to school. I'm not entirely sure, never really cared all that much about it. But yeah. And I can't really say that working with him is any better," she added.

Remus took a sip of his drink. "That makes me feel very very old."

"Oh whatever."

"No really, it's a bit of an odd thought that someone I went to school with, that is my age, taught you at school," he said, sounding almost guilty.

"Well, I can assure you that you are the most gentlemanly pervy old man I know," she said, her voice sounding light and playful.

He shot her a look. "Don't."

Tonks smiled. "What? Oh come on, you're not really a pervy old man. If it makes you feel better, Snape feels ages older than you anyway. I think the stick up that man's arse has a stick up its arse," she pointed out.

"That reminds me though, why do the two of you hate each other so much? I mean, I know why I don't like him and he doesn't like me, but why should he always be so angry at you?" Tonks said, remembering what Snape had said earlier outside.

Remus eyed her carefully. "I never said I hated Severus. But I can tell you that he doesn't like me because of our school days," he said slowly.

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Well I knew that much. But why after all this time does he still even care? I mean, you'd think in the middle of a war, he'd be able to let that kind of thing go."

Remus smiled again. It was smaller, almost knowing. "I think that Severus has always preferred an environment of discord. He does not function well with the positive, instead, he feeds off the negative. It's just his nature to be disagreeable with me. Plus, I should say I'm not proud of what we did to him at school. That kind of thing can take a longer time than you might think to recover from."

"So there's not one isolated incident you can remember that would make him bitter towards you personally?" Tonks asked, her curiosity still spiked from earlier.

Remus thought about it for a second. "Why do you ask?"

Tonks shifted under his gaze. "No important reason, he just um, he just said something earlier that made me curious." _What happened to the steely fortitude and not asking him such silly questions?_

He rolled his eyes. "Just tell me what he said."

Tonks shook her head. "No, I'm sorry; it's rude of me to pry. I shouldn't take anything he says seriously anyway," she said hastily.

"Tonks, I know you. You're going to obsess about this, and no matter how much I reassure you that it's nothing, you're going to wonder. I'm sure whatever bit of nonsense Severus was referring to really won't bother me if I tell you. So just get it out," he insisted.

She sighed. "All right fine, he said that well, when it comes to something you really want, you'll take it. I didn't want to battle my way through any more cryptic phrases and he didn't explain it. So what was he talking about?" She spoke quickly and avoided Remus's gaze when she stopped.

But Remus just threw back his head and laughed. Tonks stared at him incredulously. "Why is that funny?" she demanded.

Remus turned his amused expression on her. "I'm sorry. I just can't believe he still remembers that. And that he apparently cares so much about it."

"What was _it_?" Tonks asked.

"_It_ was a girl," he said, his eyes still amused. "Some girl I went out with for a few weeks in my seventh year. I think someone told me that Severus liked her too. I don't even remember all the details. In fact, I think she ended up dumping me for some Ravenclaw anyway. It's either that or the whole werewolf prank thing. I'm sure Sirius told you about that. Either way, he's quite the one for holding grudges."

"So why would he tell me?"

Remus shrugged. "Probably trying to rattle a few cages, rock the cradle, you know. I never could understand him very well. I don't think many people do. It's sad really. I get the same sort of thing from people I don't know, but for him, its got to be worse, he gets it from the people he does know," he said thoughtfully.

Tonks sat back in her chair. "He could try acting like a human being instead of slime for once," she said darkly. He had made the situation sound a lot worse outside and she rather felt like an idiot in front of Remus now for even asking. Snape could officially rot in hell for all she cared.

She glanced at her watch and started. "I better go, my next shift starts in a few minutes." She had almost forgotten why the two of them were really there in the first place. She looked up at him. "How um, how long are you going to be here?" she asked tentatively.

"Probably just until the morning. I have to get back. Once Dumbledore gets back to Hogwarts, I can go."

"Well, I have tomorrow off. I'm done at 7 tomorrow morning. If you're still here, we could um, have breakfast or something?"

Remus smiled at her and she seemed to feel its warmth all the way down to her toes. "I'd like that," he said softly.

The atmosphere around them seemed to change. Tonks felt it had suddenly gotten more intimate and a lot less platonic than the rest of the evening had been. Not that she minded, but it was changing the secure feeling she was getting, secure in the fact that they were friends again. A sudden spark of attraction could bring crashing down everything she'd tried to build up since that morning at the twins' flat.

Not to mention how infuriating he was. _How dare he?_ she thought. After everything he'd told her, how they couldn't be together, how their love was a doomed on, how dare he slip in little things like that? The anger made getting up from the table much easier though, she had to admit.

"Well, I have to go now," she said sounding awkward to herself as she stood up. Remus stood up too and insisted on walking her out.

She consented. They walked out into the night and turned down the small side street again. They could see Michael sitting there, his back to them. Tonks moved to walk towards him when Remus grabbed her arm.

"If uh, if anything happens tonight, or um, or anything, I'm in room 18," he said quietly. "You know, if there's any trouble or something…I'm right up there…" he added, but then seemed to trail off as his confidence ran out.

Tonks was surprised. She hadn't been expecting that. "Oh, ok. Thanks. I'll remember that."

Remus nodded, an anxious look on his face. "I'll see you then," he said before he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. Then he turned and walked back towards the front of the pub.

Tonks felt her cheeks flush and she stood there motionless for a moment. "Yeah, I'll see you," she said softly aloud. She shook her head and suddenly, she was furious. Since when did Remus suddenly become king of the mixed messages? _Since always,_ she thought angrily.

At least she had something to think about while she sat there.

* * *

A/N: At last an update, erm...I have mixed feelings about this chapter. Thanks to people who keep pestering me to update. This one's for you. (and I'm soooorry.) : ( Oh yeah, and so I did the math or figured it out a while ago that it was possible that Snape started teaching at Hogwarts when he was about 21 or so, Idk, going off what he says about it being like 16 or some odd years since he's been at Hogwarts (in Ootp when he's talkiing to Umbridge). Anyhoo, if you figure Tonks is about 26 or so, she would have been around the starting age for Hogwarts a year or so after he started teaching there. I think, at least, using my logic (which is not necessarily correct). But for the purpose of my story, if that doesn't follow, then let's pretend it does. Thanks for reading!   



	14. There is a Light that Never Goes Out

**There is a Light that Never Goes Out**

...  
"All right then, favorite color?" Tonks said as she threw a Skittle up into the air and caught it deftly in her mouth.

Remus tilted his head slightly upward, thinking. "I'm going to have to go with green, I think," he said, still sounding thoughtful.

Tonks nodded in approval. "Somehow I had you pegged for green."

Remus grinned. "You've said that every time I answered one of these questions."

"What can I say, I can read you like a book," she replied, popping a red Skittle into her mouth once more.

Remus grabbed at the bag and poured out a couple.

"Hey, Mr. Grabby." Tonks pulled the bag back and fished out yet another piece. "You haven't asked me what my favorite color is yet. You know, if we're going to play this questions game, you have to participate too."

Remus chuckled softly, "Ok then Tonks, what is your favorite color?"

She smiled. "Well everyone always guesses pink, but its definitely blue."

He nodded. "Good to know."

Tonks smiled again as she looked down, preoccupying herself with looking for another red Skittle.

It felt slightly odd sitting here on the bed next to Remus. She didn't really know what she'd been expecting, all she knew though as she'd climbed the stairs was how utterly terrified she felt.

Tonks had finally mustered up the courage to go upstairs to his room. Her heart felt like it was going to leap out of her throat as she knocked quietly on the door.

………………………...

Remus opened the door knowing exactly who would be knocking on his door at the late hour. Not even any fleeting thoughts of danger that had to do with Voldemort or the Order passed through his mind as his hand turned the doorknob.

"Hi Tonks," he said, clearing his throat which was a bit groggy from not having been used probably since he'd been sitting downstairs with her.

"Hi Remus," she replied cheerfully. "I thought, since the two of us are both plagued with the gruesome task of staying up all night, ready to defend the upstanding little town of Hogsmeade, we might as well keep each other company."

Remus opened his mouth as if to say something but Tonks put up her hand to stop him.

"Wait, before you say anything, I want you to know that I'm not…expecting anything. In fact, I'd like it if we both just sat here and talked. You know, do the whole, intellectual thing. Besides," she added, pulling a small brown paper bag out, "I brought snacks. But you only get some if you promise not to talk about any forbidden topics, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you what any of those might be. Now, where's the coffee?" she said, her voice sounding rushed even to her own ears. She walked towards the small writing desk in the corner of the room.

Remus merely shook his head and allowed himself to crack a smile as he shut the door.

……………………………...

So there they were, forty five minutes later, asking each other questions most frequently exchanged between ten year olds. Yet somehow, Tonks couldn't have been more relieved.

"All right then, favorite film?" she asked. Remus eyed her. She stared back at him, looking baffled. "What! Remus, you can't tell me you've never seen a movie!"

He took a minute to think about it. "A few, I guess. Not in the longest time though."

"Well what's the last film you saw at a cinema then?"

"Tonks, I barely have time or money to sleep, eat and do all those other essential living things without throwing trips to the movies into the mix," he replied, not sounding resentful or angry about it, just merely as if he was stating a simple fact.

Tonks looked down. "Right," she said quietly.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes at first preoccupying themselves with candy, until that too ran out and they were left to stare down at their feet at the end of the bed.

"They should really add some televisions to these rooms. Even if they are for Muggles, it gives one something to do while cooped up in here," Tonks said when she could no longer take the silence.

Remus nodded. "Especially since right now we're probably missing the highest quality late night infomercial programs," he pointed out.

She turned to him. "You watch those too? Oh they're so funny aren't they? When I can't sleep, that's what I put on and guaranteed I'll be asleep in five minutes."

He smiled. "Me too."

………………………………...

Everything was far from perfect, she felt as she glanced surreptitiously at Remus, who was now reading a book there next to her.

Their relationship as lovers was forcibly nonexistent, the world outside was slowly falling down around them, but sitting there like this, in what had turned into comfortable silence after an hour of idle chatter, was as perfect as Tonks could have ever hoped for.

She'd long given up on romance as a way of life. As soon as she completed Auror training and realized that she could probably protect more men than could ever actually protect her, it had given her rather a jaded view of what was left of her ideas of romance and all its possibilities.

But it seemed that each moment she spent in Remus's company, her practical and sensible ideas of love flew out the window and instead, all the fanciful dreams she'd had as a young girl brought up on Austen and Bronte and even her own mother and father's story of love, took their place. She could allow herself to feel that flip in her stomach because even with how much he may have hurt her, it was done under the intention of protecting her. The very thing she had given up on anyone ever attempting with her again.

And she knew above all that she had someone she could trust, as a friend or as something more. And even as Remus tried his best to not let her get too close, she knew that he was the only person she'd ever felt this close to in her life.

As she drifted closer to sleep, she thought of how easily she could get used to this…

…………………………………………...

"Tonks? Tonks wake up."

Tonks let her eyes open slowly. She felt a slight pain in the back of her neck and she realized she'd fallen asleep up against the headboard.

Remus was watching her. She smiled at him. He returned it quickly. "Um, Tonks, as much as I don't mind you staying here, don't you have to get back out there?"

This immediately snapped Tonks out of any remaining sleepiness she may have felt. She grabbed Remus's wrist and glanced down at his watch that read 5:30 AM. "Damn, I was supposed to be out there half an hour ago," she said as she swung her legs off the bed and started to put her shoes on.

"I know, I'm sorry. I remember you told me when you got here but I think we both fell asleep," he said quietly and it was then Tonks realized he sounded like he'd just awoken as well.

"Well, I hate to sleep and run, but Michael's gonna kill me," Tonks said as she pulled her sweater over her head.

Remus rolled over and was resting on one elbow watching her. She had to resist the urge to rush right back into bed with him. She bit her lip nervously.

"You're done at seven, right?" he asked. She nodded. "Well when you're relieved, meet me downstairs and I'll buy you some pancakes," he said.

Tonks opened her mouth to protest but Remus shook his head. "It's the least I can do for you coming to keep me company last night. Plus I owe you something after eating all your Skittles," he added with a small smile.

She looked at him. "Alright, that sounds good. I'll see you at seven." And she turned and dashed out the door.

Remus watched her go before flopping back onto the bed and staring up at the ceiling. He let out a heavy sigh. "Seven it is." It sounded heavy and reluctant, but a second later, his frown and furrowed brow was broken by yet another small smile. _She just has that effect on you, _he thought.

…………………………...

"There you are, where have you been?" Michael was standing in the same spot Tonks had left him a few hours before, his hands shoved deep in his pockets and a thoroughly disgruntled look on his face.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I fell asleep ok?"

He surveyed her disheveled appearance and eyes that still looked as though they still wanted to be closed. Then he raised an eyebrow. "And where exactly were you sleeping?" he asked suggestively.

Tonks glared at him. "Shut up and go away."

"Alright fine. Next time, just don't be late," he said as started to walk away, still facing her. She stuck her tongue out and he laughed.

She sat down on an empty barrel and started contemplating to what she had agreed to. This was something Tonks had always been an expert in, over-thinking. It came about as naturally to her as being a metamorphmagus, yet it was one thing she wasn't sure she actually needed.

So Remus had invited her out for pancakes? It didn't seem like a strange request. But then, practically everything would probably seem strange to anyone else, yet it seemed to make some sort of warped sense to the two of them.

And what was a few pancakes between friends anyway? They were getting along swimmingly, it turned out. As friends. Remus was ok with friendship. He'd certainly seemed perfectly fine when she'd showed up at his door but it was only now that Tonks realized why. She'd told him back in April that his friendship was what she wanted. And it was true to a certain extent. But as she sat there over-thinking what she'd said, she knew that it wasn't the only thing she wanted. And in fact he probably knew it too, but in his usual Remus-like way, he founds ways to ignore it.

_So either I have to ask him about his tactics on how to avoid giving into your feelings for someone or just try steely resistance, _she thought resolvedly. However, neither option seemed to be a workable solution.

Tonks didn't even seem sure of exactly what she was trying to figure out anymore between them. But there was this unsolvable puzzle ever present in her mind and whenever she found herself with time to think about it (which was more often than she'd imagined or wanted) and she couldn't let it go. She briefly wondered if Remus was going through a similar dilemma and as she pictured him lying there on the bed propped up one elbow looking extremely adorable for a man his age and completely innocent, she hoped he did. She wanted him to feel as badly as she did. And she wanted him to show it. Because too often already had she laid her heart out there for the world to see and yet it seemed that Remus never ever lost his composure and that was one of the many things that infuriated her.

_Perhaps he doesn't feel anything,_ she thought, trying to come up with a reason for why she should decline his breakfast invitation. Tonks just felt it was about time for Remus to be the one hanging off of her every word and action. _Let him see how it feels for a change._ But of course, as soon as she thought about it, the guilt got to her and she was back to loving him, back to practically obsessing over why he refused to let it work.

She turned around and glanced in one of the windows of the Three Broomsticks. Finding the clock on the wall in the corner, it read 5:35. She gave a heavy sigh. Barely five minutes had passed and she'd already managed to feel a whole score of emotions for Remus and what they're relationship had come to be. This was going to be a very long hour and a half.

…………………………………………………………...

Remus hadn't meant to stare. He'd awoken around 5:15 and after chastising himself for falling asleep in the first place, he remembered Tonks and wondered why she hadn't woken him up before she left. The answer to that question came all too suddenly as he looked to his left and saw her lying there, well, sitting sort of as her head was resting up against the headboard. Her hair, still her natural brown (he refused point blank to call it mousy even as she did), had fallen partly over her eyes. She just looked so peaceful that he couldn't bear to wake her up just yet. Awake, no matter how much she tried to hide it, her eyes reflected the burdens of the world around her and her own life. Some of those burdens he was ashamed to admit he'd probably placed there himself.

In the past few weeks, he'd done some thinking. Remus had grown so accustomed to his lone lifestyle before Tonks had bounded into it that the idea that she might want to be a part of it unnerved him. Perhaps he'd been too hasty in pushing her away. Yet it was with a heavy heart that he buried the irrational notion and recalled the reasoning he'd pushed her away in the first place, that he could never be all she needed, that he would never be able to give her all she wanted, that he was a monster and she was a radiant creature, her heart severely misguided. And then he'd leaned over, brushing some of the hair out of her eyes and started to wake her before he did something else he might regret.

……………………………………………………………………………………...

Remus yawned as he reached the bottom step leading into the barroom of the Three Broomsticks which served the most incredible pancakes in the morning. He found a table near a window where the early morning sun peered in and he looked out at the high street, not yet busy with the footfalls of others. He checked his watch again, even though he knew he was early and she wouldn't be done for ten more minutes.

Madame Rosemerta walked up to his table. "Good morning, Remus. Can I get you something to eat perhaps?"

Remus looked up from staring out the window. "Actually, I'm waiting for someone," he replied. "But I will have some coffee if you've got some," he added as he yawned again. She nodded and walked off again.

He went back to staring out the window. He wondered briefly what his life would be like now if he hadn't met Tonks. He hadn't exactly known her for ages, but it seemed as though they had. She just seemed to click so easily with anyone, that she had the ability to make you feel as though you were talking to your oldest, closest friend even though you might have only met her a few hours ago. If he'd never met her, he might be sitting there, waiting for no one, already eating pancakes. If he'd never met her, he'd never have found someone who could make him feel so…happy again.

Remus shook his head at the thought. It would have been so easy to overlook the dangers of falling in love with her and yet he couldn't, he wouldn't, for her own safety. It was something he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to comprehend, why she would ever feel the way she felt about him. And even though he knew, as he pictured her asleep on that bed, that he had fallen hard for her a long while back, he would do what he could to protect her.

So with his mind set, he was ready. He had confidence in himself, after all, he'd shown, well he'd shown _some_ self restraint when it came to Tonks. He checked his watch again, _Now if she'd actually show up_, he thought, _I could demonstrate it._

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...

Apparently, like Tonks, her relief was late. Tonks peeked in the window again glancing at the clock. _That cow was supposed to be here ten minutes ago!_ She thought angrily. Her eyes scanned the large room inside for Remus and found him sitting in the front near the front windows. She smiled slightly as she watched him. He looked deep in thought and she had always liked the intense look of focus on his face when he was thinking long and hard about something. She wondered briefly what he was thinking about when she suddenly realized that ever since she'd met Remus, one of the things she wanted most was to know exactly just what went on behind those cool blue eyes. He was such a quiet man, so reserved and calm. He never really revealed to the world what made him tick and it fascinated Tonks, who was the complete opposite, letting anyone and everyone know exactly what she was thinking (whether it was intentional or not).

And the fact that Remus could read her like his favorite book and she could only guess with him (she'd lied earlier, she most certainly could not read him like a book. It was like she'd been bluffing at poker) was just…unfair. Tonks sighed, she seemed to notice a lot of unfair things when it came to her and Remus.

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A/N: I'm sorry for the long hiatus. I was, I was, well at any rate there isn't really a good excuse. But anyway, I'm back now, this is coming to the last few chapters and I promise no more 5 month breaks (or however long it was). Thanks to those who have urged me to update, I just…didn't until now. I was doing some things. I'm really sorry! Thanks for sticking around and waiting ever so patiently. I'm a little rusty I fear, I'm not sure how well this chapter measures up to the others. I gotta get back into it. Oh yeah, fun little fact: The Smiths song that this chapter's named after is my favorite Smiths song.


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